A duck goes into a bar.

He waddles up to the bar and asks the barman "Got any bread?", to which the barman replies "Nope, we sell beer, not bread". "OK" says the duck, and he leaves.

Around the same time the next day, the duck returns and again asks the barman "Got any bread?". The barman again tells him that they sell grog, not bread. The duck leaves.

The next day the duck returns. "Got any bread?", he asks. The barman, now quite annoyed, replies with "Look mate, we sell beer. If you come in and ask for bread again, I'll nail your beak to the table!". The duck rolls his eyes and goes.

Sometime the next day, the duck wonders back in and approaches the bar. As the barman gives him an icy stare, he asks;

"Got any nails?"
"No, why?"
"... got any bread?"

Quote from Hyperactive :

Argh, the german jokes...
(hoe does that work? Peanut = some fancy pronounciation joke?)

One was a salted peanut

It's a bit like this one:
Q: What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?
A: He was booked for a salt and battery.

this is the worse joke ive ever heard, not sure if its even a joke
my friend sayd once: mies meni kauppaan lapio, on english its:man went into store shovel. not sure whats so funny in it, just somehow a lot of people start lolling for it

Didn't get that one

Quote from batteryy :

man went into store shovel

Ahhahah roflmao

What? This was a bad jokes thread after all

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Two blondes walk into a building.

You would've thought one of them saw it.

Quote from Syfoon :

A duck goes into a bar.

He waddles up to the bar and asks the barman "Got any bread?", to which the barman replies "Nope, we sell beer, not bread". "OK" says the duck, and he leaves.

Around the same time the next day, the duck returns and again asks the barman "Got any bread?". The barman again tells him that they sell grog, not bread. The duck leaves.

The next day the duck returns. "Got any bread?", he asks. The barman, now quite annoyed, replies with "Look mate, we sell beer. If you come in and ask for bread again, I'll nail your beak to the table!". The duck rolls his eyes and goes.

Sometime the next day, the duck wonders back in and approaches the bar. As the barman gives him an icy stare, he asks;

"Got any nails?"
"No, why?"
"... got any bread?"

:grumpy::chair::irked: I WAS GONNA POST THAT NOW! (alright with a rabbit and a carrot, but meh) :P

Quote from Syfoon :

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

LOL

Quote from beefyman666 :

Two blondes walk into a building.

You would've thought one of them saw it.

Old. But good

Quote from Hyperactive :

Argh, the german jokes...
(hoe does that work? Peanut = some fancy pronounciation joke?)

It was a salted peanut!

Here's another one:

I was driving to school today, and hurrah, I was pulled over by a policeman with a lasergun (used for speed checking).
I was only doing 25kmh over the speed limit, but the bastard made me pull over. He wanted to see my pink slip and driving licence.
Ofcourse I gave him my licence, and whilst reading he asked me where I was going.
I said "I'm going to work!". And he said: "What do you do for a living?". I said: "I'm a penis expander." He said: "What? A penis expander? I've never heard of that. How does that work?"
And I replied: "Well, there are various methods, but one of them is that we hang the man by his penis, until it stretches to about 6ft.
The officer said: "Whoa! But what would you do with a 6ft cock?"
And I said: "Give him a lasergun and put him on the side of the road! "

What do the initials "DNA" stand for:

"National Dyslexia Association"



I bumped into Jim Smith (the current manager of Oxford United) in Sainsburys the other day..he was asking the assistant for a sack of potatoes for the Club's Xmas dinner...

I walked up to him and asked what he was doing in Sainsburys.

"Getting a sack of spuds for the team", he replies.

Says I: "Sounds like a good deal!"

Two fish in a tank - one said to the other "**** this, you can drive this bastard"

Quote from sam93 :

Two fish in a tank - one said to the other "**** this, you can drive this bastard"

ahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't have a joke to offer, but I had to express my haughtiness.

another bad joke : man asks a girl in the pub 'if you didn't had feet, would you buy shoes?' "no" answers the girl. 'why do you buy a bra then!?' Kinda joke/truth. A friend of my brother asked this, it seems its a kinda funny joke. hope you like it

Hahahahah, that's quite good actually ! It would make me cry with laughter if i actually saw it being pulled off properly.

Quote from Bose321 :

another bad joke : man asks a girl in the pub 'if you didn't had feet, would you buy shoes?' "no" answers the girl. 'why do you buy a bra then!?'

For a moment I thought that the last question was asked by the girl.


My contribution:

A rabbit walks into a bakery, and asks the owner: "Do you fell any drugf?"
The owner, surprised: "No, I'm sorry. We have no drugs. This is a bakery."
The rabbit leaves.

Next day, the rabbit is back and asks again: "Do you fell any drugf?"
The owner again says no. But when the rabbit has left, he starts to think. It might be a good idea to make some extra money, so he goes to the big city and buys some marihuana.

The third day the rabbit is back again: "Do you fell any drugf?"
The owner rubs his hands. "Yes, we have just got a fresh supply of..."

The rabbit holds up its badge. "Polife. You're under arreft."

Here's a great pick-up line

How much does a polar bear weigh?

*Enough to break the ice!*

Why did the chicken eat some food/

because it wanted to grow big like big strong chicken.

Quote from Hyperactive :

Argh, the german jokes...
(hoe does that work? Peanut = some fancy pronounciation joke?)

It's from this:

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=8gpjk_MaCGM

At about 9:10 if you can't be bothered to watch the whole thing, but you should, as it's brilliant.

Quote from Syfoon :

A duck goes into a bar.

He waddles up to the bar and asks the barman "Got any bread?", to which the barman replies "Nope, we sell beer, not bread". "OK" says the duck, and he leaves.

Around the same time the next day, the duck returns and again asks the barman "Got any bread?". The barman again tells him that they sell grog, not bread. The duck leaves.

The next day the duck returns. "Got any bread?", he asks. The barman, now quite annoyed, replies with "Look mate, we sell beer. If you come in and ask for bread again, I'll nail your beak to the table!". The duck rolls his eyes and goes.

Sometime the next day, the duck wonders back in and approaches the bar. As the barman gives him an icy stare, he asks;

"Got any nails?"
"No, why?"
"... got any bread?"

:clapclap: Instant classic

First-year students at the Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor began the lecture by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually tool turns in sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."




There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: "Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants."
SL: "It's logical. He wants to rape us."
SM: "Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in fifteen minutes at the most! What can we do?"
SL: "The only logical thing to of course is to walk faster."
SM: "It's not working."
SL:"Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too."
SM: "So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute."
SL: "The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and i'll go this way. He cannot follow us both."
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: "Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!"
SL: "The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me."
SM: "Yes, yes! But what happened then?"
SL: "The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could."
SM: "And?"
SL: "The only logical thing happened. He reached me."
SM: "Oh, dear! What did you do?"
SL: "The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up."
SM: "Oh, Sister! What did the man do?"
SL: "The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants."
SM: "Oh, no! What happened then?"
SL: "Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down."

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd,


“If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: “Sure. Why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Vodafone cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, turns to the shepherd and says:
“You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep,” says the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man
“Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says:
“Okay, why not?”
“You’re a consultant” says the shepherd.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie. “But how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required,” answers the shepherd. “You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know sod-all about my business. Now give me back my dog.”

A man comes out of a newsagents to find a Traffic Warden ticketing a car.

Just as the ticked is slapped onto the windscreen, the guy says "Give a guy a break!" The warden promptly writes another ticket and puts it on the screen. The man then says "I can't believe you just did that!". The Warden writes out another ticket. This continues for a while, the man gradually getting to a point where he's insulting the warden, and the windscreen is now full of tickets.

The Warden breaks his silence and says "That'll teach you to argue with me."
The man replies "It's ok - my car is parked around the corner"

Quote from J@tko :

A man comes out of a newsagents to find a Traffic Warden ticketing a car.

Just as the ticked is slapped onto the windscreen, the guy says "Give a guy a break!" The warden promptly writes another ticket and puts it on the screen. The man then says "I can't believe you just did that!". The Warden writes out another ticket. This continues for a while, the man gradually getting to a point where he's insulting the warden, and the windscreen is now full of tickets.

The Warden breaks his silence and says "That'll teach you to argue with me."
The man replies "It's ok - my car is parked around the corner"

HAHAHAHAHA. I bet that's happened at least once in RL

I think I've censored all the really rude ones

Quote :

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

Some of those are just so weird they're funny

Quote from J@tko :

I think I've censored all the really rude ones



Some of those are just so weird they're funny

The fact many involve Star Wars means the creators must be nerds