lol your right 
Heard this today from a friend, a good many lol's were had :rolleyes: He caught me off-guard after the random first one 
Friend: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Me: Dunno...
Friend: He was dead.
*Awkward silence*
Friend: Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Me: She was also dead?
Friend: No, she had no arms.
*Slight awkward lol'ing*
Friend: Knock Knock
Me: Umm, who's there?
Friend: Not Sally anyway...
Kind of thing you had to be there for I suppose
More on-topic:
Did you hear about the dirty cream egg?
He was walking around with his yolk hanging out.
Friend: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Me: Dunno...
Friend: He was dead.
*Awkward silence*
Friend: Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Me: She was also dead?
Friend: No, she had no arms.
*Slight awkward lol'ing*
Friend: Knock Knock
Me: Umm, who's there?
Friend: Not Sally anyway...
Kind of thing you had to be there for I suppose
More on-topic:
Did you hear about the dirty cream egg?
He was walking around with his yolk hanging out.
How do wars start?
Politicians tell lies to the Newspapers and then read them when they are printed.
Politicians tell lies to the Newspapers and then read them when they are printed.
Haha, i had to laugh on that one, the joke is so stupid that it's funny xD
Little Miss Druggy sat in a buggy smoking a pipe of Weed, along came a spider skinned up beside her and sold her some acid and speed
it was raining cats and dogs last night....
opps stepped on a poodle...
opps stepped on a poodle...
Racists and chavs time!
How do you confuse a Daily Telegraph reader?
Tell them asylum seekers kill paedophiles.
I was walking home last night when some chav jumped out and drew a knife on me. The little muppet used a whiteboard pen and it was a real pain to wash off to wash off.
Two chavs race their Novas off a cliff to see who hits the bottom first. Who wins?
...The gene pool.
If you hit a BNP member at 20mph there's a good chance he'll live.
If you hit a BNP member at 30mph there's still a good chance he'll live.
But.... If you've stopped driving like Yuji Ide, put your foot down, and went over 40mph, there's a very good chance you'll kill the waste of oxygen! THINK! Before you slow down!
How many BNP members does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They'll sit there in the dark for hours until someone comes and does it for them. Then they'll whinge for years about how someone nicked their job.
What do you call a burberry snowball?
A Chavalanche.
Why can't the BNP play chess?
All the black pieces look the same to them...
Tell them asylum seekers kill paedophiles.
I was walking home last night when some chav jumped out and drew a knife on me. The little muppet used a whiteboard pen and it was a real pain to wash off to wash off.
Two chavs race their Novas off a cliff to see who hits the bottom first. Who wins?
...The gene pool.
If you hit a BNP member at 20mph there's a good chance he'll live.
If you hit a BNP member at 30mph there's still a good chance he'll live.
But.... If you've stopped driving like Yuji Ide, put your foot down, and went over 40mph, there's a very good chance you'll kill the waste of oxygen! THINK! Before you slow down!
How many BNP members does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They'll sit there in the dark for hours until someone comes and does it for them. Then they'll whinge for years about how someone nicked their job.
What do you call a burberry snowball?
A Chavalanche.
Why can't the BNP play chess?
All the black pieces look the same to them...
From a movie (ressurrection):
Two guys were in a hospital, one askes the other: what are you here for?
-A circumsision answers the other one.
Oh, I had that done when I was born, couldn't walk for a year!
Two guys were in a hospital, one askes the other: what are you here for?
-A circumsision answers the other one.
Oh, I had that done when I was born, couldn't walk for a year!
Better version:
A Nova, with four chavs inside, drives off a cliff, killing all aboard. What's the tragedy?
A Nova seats five.
Why do scousers smell?
So deaf people can hate them as well.
So deaf people can hate them as well.
Seven, actually. Most chavs have two more hidden in the boot.
^lol!!! according to cops...
youre so sad......why dont you buy a happy meal?
Whats brown and sticky?
A stick.
A stick.
What if the Hokey Pokey really is what its all about?
for those that dont understand this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v ... si3H8&feature=related
for those that dont understand this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v ... si3H8&feature=related
Gordon Brown called Alistair Darling into his office one day and said, 'Alistair, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England'.
'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.
'Well' said Gordon 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies' a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador . Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other and we'll show we really enjoy the Countryside.'
'Right PM' said Darling.' So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.
'Good evening Landlord, may we have two pints of your best ale, from the Wood said Brown.
'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord,' two pints of best it is, coming up'.
Brown and Darling stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.
All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador , lifted it's tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted it's tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five shepherds came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually Brown and Darling could stand it no longer and called the barman over. 'Tell me' said Brown, 'why did all those old shepherds come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?'
'Good Lord no,' said the barman. 'Its just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes'!
'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.
'Well' said Gordon 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies' a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador . Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other and we'll show we really enjoy the Countryside.'
'Right PM' said Darling.' So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.
'Good evening Landlord, may we have two pints of your best ale, from the Wood said Brown.
'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord,' two pints of best it is, coming up'.
Brown and Darling stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.
All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador , lifted it's tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted it's tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five shepherds came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually Brown and Darling could stand it no longer and called the barman over. 'Tell me' said Brown, 'why did all those old shepherds come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?'
'Good Lord no,' said the barman. 'Its just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes'!
What color does a smurf turn if you strangle it ?
Purple of course.
anti-climax.
rhetorical question...
and they call Me a noob
It's not retorical when there's an obvious answer
yeah... well... tell it to the face cause the hand dont wanna listen
Craigslist message to a mugger ...>> I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you
>> demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and
>> my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and
>> earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like
>> to apologize.
>>
>> I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after
>> you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a
>> reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my
>> girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for
>> Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it
>> that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating
>> weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?
>>
>> I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to
>> wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in
>> your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up
>> leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't
>> have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to
>> mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or
>> "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her
>> your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I
>> gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go
>> Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the
>> wallet itself in a dumpster.
>>
>> I called a bunch of phone numbers from your cell. They'll be
>> on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel
>> recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a
>> little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that.
>> I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about
>> to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it.
>> Oh well.
>>
>> So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you
>> when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to
>> make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so
>> I'd like to help you out.
>>
>> I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the
>> pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd
>> also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you
>> walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your
>> choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If
>> you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry.
>> Peace!
>>
>> Alex
An insurance worker in Gotham City opens up a letter for a huge claim for personal damages and lost ballons. The worker is shocked by the claim, sits back in the chair for a few seconds before exlaiming..
..."Bloody hell, who's this joker?"
(it that my taxi........bye)
..."Bloody hell, who's this joker?"
(it that my taxi........bye)
hahaha, classic.
The bad jokes thread
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