Posted this away back in 05/06 in PitstopUK (Old team) Laughed reading it again so thought I'd lash it up here...
The Best way to change your oil.
1 Drive down to the mechanic's when the mileometer reaches 6000 miles since the last oil change.
2 Drink a cup of complimentary coffee.
3 15 minutes later, pay mechanic £40 and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Total 15 minutes. £40.
The 'Real' way you change your oil.
1 Go to local motorfactors and pay £20 for 5 litres of Oil, Oil Filter and hand cleaner.
2 Search around the garage for your axle stands.
3 Jack up car and place axle stands. Lower car, realise that the floor pan is now getting bent as the stand is in the wrong place. Re-jack the car and place the stand again. Finally lower car.
5 Get underneath car and try to loosen sump plug with an imperial spanner that's about the right size.
6 Round of sump nut with spanner, so try again with the correct spanner you found at the bottom of the tool box.
7 Still not having much luck with the nut, so try a pair of Molegrips on the nut. But they keep slipping off.
8 Try swearing at it. That often helps.
9 Finally manage to loosen the nut using one of those 'Multi-spanners' that you bought off QVC.
10 Now that the car is dripping oil, you realise you've not got a suitable oil tray. The bucket you were going to use won't clear the sump.
11 Run around the house like a mad man trying to find something to use.
Note: Don't be tempted to use that fruit bowl the mother in law bought for your anniversary present. It's not worth the hassle.
12 Find a large plastic bottle and cut the top off with a kitchen knife. Cut yourself with the knife whilst you are at it.
13 Run back out to the car and place the oil tub.
14 Get under the car and remove the sump nut. Lose the nut in the oil tub.
15 Again, swearing here often helps.
16 Once the oil has finished dripping, remove the tub and fish out the nut. You now have a very oily hand.
17 Drip oil over the road, through the house and all over the sink after you realise you've not brought a rag out with you.
18 Get back under car and realise you need the oil filter strap.
19 You can't be bothered to look for it, so try with all your might to remove it with your bare hands.
20 Get out from under the car and look for the oil filter strap.
21 Can't find the oil filter strap, so go back out to the car and take a large flat headed screwdriver and a hammer.
22 Get back under the car and hammer the screwdriver through the oil filter.
23 Get oil down your arm and drips over your head and face.
24 Rush back into the house to the sink, again realising you didn't bring a cloth out with you.
25 Swear.
26 Back out to the car. Smear a ring of new oil over the oil filter gasket and fit new oil filter to car.
27 Put the required amount of oil into the engine via the rocker cover oil cap.
28 Notice oil all over the drive and realise you didn't refit the sump plug nut.
29 Search around trying to find the nut.
30 Remember it's back in the house next to the sink.
31 Run back into the house, grab the nut run back out to the car.
31 Get underneath the car. Get oil all over your shirt as you are lying in a pool of oil.
32 Refit the nut and finger tighten.
33 Swear as you realise just how much oil is over the drive as well as over you and your shirt.
34 Go back into the house. Shower and change into the overalls you should have put on before you started.
35 Get a bag of kitty litter and a piece of old carpet from the garage.
36 Put kitty litter on the oil slick that looks like something from the Exxon Valdies.
37 Put carpet onto of kitty litter/oil slick sludge.
38 Realise that the 'old' carpet was a piece you were saving to re-do the top stair with.
39 Swear.
40 Tighten nut with spanner.
41 Slip with spanner and bang knuckles on engine or inner wing.
42 Bang head on sump or inner wing in reaction to step 41.
43 Begin swearing fit.
44 Throw spanner.
45 Realise that spanner has gone somewhere not so easily accessible. E.g. Under a large bush, a car etc.
46 Spend five minutes swearing and fishing the spanner from the inaccessible place.
47 Tighten nut.
48 Refill remainder of oil only to realise that you've now not got enough.
49 Go back to local motorfactors and pay £29 for 5 litres of Oil, 5 litres of industrial Oil cleaner and a new oil filter strap.
50 Tighten the oil filter with the new oil filter strap.
51 Jack up the car and remove the axle stands. Lower the car.
52 Move the car back and get the power washer out.
53 Put the industrial oil cleaner onto the oil slick and spray away.
54 Realise you are getting oil splats all over the car so start to wash that too.
55 Get an earful from the wife as she complains that you've been at that for hours and you are now washing the car.
56 Finish washing the car and the drive.
57 Put all your tools away. Placing the new oil filter strap next to the old one you had but couldn't find earlier.
58 Swear.
59 Go in the house and ask what is for tea.
60 Wonder why you've just been slapped.
Total
£20 for 5 litres of Oil, Oil Filter and hand cleaner.
£150 to have the Hall, Living Room and Dinning room carpets professionally cleaned to remove the oil.
£12 to replace the shirt that was ruined by oil.
£2 to replace the bag of Kitty litter used on the oil slick.
£1 for the box of plasters.
£29 for 5 more litres of Oil, 5 litres of industrial Oil cleaner and another oil filter strap.
£150 to have the dent in the floor pan repaired so that the car passes its next MOT.
3 hours 40 minutes.Total: £364
The Best way to change your oil.
1 Drive down to the mechanic's when the mileometer reaches 6000 miles since the last oil change.
2 Drink a cup of complimentary coffee.
3 15 minutes later, pay mechanic £40 and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Total 15 minutes. £40.
The 'Real' way you change your oil.
1 Go to local motorfactors and pay £20 for 5 litres of Oil, Oil Filter and hand cleaner.
2 Search around the garage for your axle stands.
3 Jack up car and place axle stands. Lower car, realise that the floor pan is now getting bent as the stand is in the wrong place. Re-jack the car and place the stand again. Finally lower car.
5 Get underneath car and try to loosen sump plug with an imperial spanner that's about the right size.
6 Round of sump nut with spanner, so try again with the correct spanner you found at the bottom of the tool box.
7 Still not having much luck with the nut, so try a pair of Molegrips on the nut. But they keep slipping off.
8 Try swearing at it. That often helps.
9 Finally manage to loosen the nut using one of those 'Multi-spanners' that you bought off QVC.
10 Now that the car is dripping oil, you realise you've not got a suitable oil tray. The bucket you were going to use won't clear the sump.
11 Run around the house like a mad man trying to find something to use.
Note: Don't be tempted to use that fruit bowl the mother in law bought for your anniversary present. It's not worth the hassle.
12 Find a large plastic bottle and cut the top off with a kitchen knife. Cut yourself with the knife whilst you are at it.
13 Run back out to the car and place the oil tub.
14 Get under the car and remove the sump nut. Lose the nut in the oil tub.
15 Again, swearing here often helps.
16 Once the oil has finished dripping, remove the tub and fish out the nut. You now have a very oily hand.
17 Drip oil over the road, through the house and all over the sink after you realise you've not brought a rag out with you.
18 Get back under car and realise you need the oil filter strap.
19 You can't be bothered to look for it, so try with all your might to remove it with your bare hands.
20 Get out from under the car and look for the oil filter strap.
21 Can't find the oil filter strap, so go back out to the car and take a large flat headed screwdriver and a hammer.
22 Get back under the car and hammer the screwdriver through the oil filter.
23 Get oil down your arm and drips over your head and face.
24 Rush back into the house to the sink, again realising you didn't bring a cloth out with you.
25 Swear.
26 Back out to the car. Smear a ring of new oil over the oil filter gasket and fit new oil filter to car.
27 Put the required amount of oil into the engine via the rocker cover oil cap.
28 Notice oil all over the drive and realise you didn't refit the sump plug nut.
29 Search around trying to find the nut.
30 Remember it's back in the house next to the sink.
31 Run back into the house, grab the nut run back out to the car.
31 Get underneath the car. Get oil all over your shirt as you are lying in a pool of oil.
32 Refit the nut and finger tighten.
33 Swear as you realise just how much oil is over the drive as well as over you and your shirt.
34 Go back into the house. Shower and change into the overalls you should have put on before you started.
35 Get a bag of kitty litter and a piece of old carpet from the garage.
36 Put kitty litter on the oil slick that looks like something from the Exxon Valdies.
37 Put carpet onto of kitty litter/oil slick sludge.
38 Realise that the 'old' carpet was a piece you were saving to re-do the top stair with.
39 Swear.
40 Tighten nut with spanner.
41 Slip with spanner and bang knuckles on engine or inner wing.
42 Bang head on sump or inner wing in reaction to step 41.
43 Begin swearing fit.
44 Throw spanner.
45 Realise that spanner has gone somewhere not so easily accessible. E.g. Under a large bush, a car etc.
46 Spend five minutes swearing and fishing the spanner from the inaccessible place.
47 Tighten nut.
48 Refill remainder of oil only to realise that you've now not got enough.
49 Go back to local motorfactors and pay £29 for 5 litres of Oil, 5 litres of industrial Oil cleaner and a new oil filter strap.
50 Tighten the oil filter with the new oil filter strap.
51 Jack up the car and remove the axle stands. Lower the car.
52 Move the car back and get the power washer out.
53 Put the industrial oil cleaner onto the oil slick and spray away.
54 Realise you are getting oil splats all over the car so start to wash that too.
55 Get an earful from the wife as she complains that you've been at that for hours and you are now washing the car.
56 Finish washing the car and the drive.
57 Put all your tools away. Placing the new oil filter strap next to the old one you had but couldn't find earlier.
58 Swear.
59 Go in the house and ask what is for tea.
60 Wonder why you've just been slapped.
Total
£20 for 5 litres of Oil, Oil Filter and hand cleaner.
£150 to have the Hall, Living Room and Dinning room carpets professionally cleaned to remove the oil.
£12 to replace the shirt that was ruined by oil.
£2 to replace the bag of Kitty litter used on the oil slick.
£1 for the box of plasters.
£29 for 5 more litres of Oil, 5 litres of industrial Oil cleaner and another oil filter strap.
£150 to have the dent in the floor pan repaired so that the car passes its next MOT.
3 hours 40 minutes.Total: £364
But thanks anyways for that helpful information.
