What do you call a naked blonde, doing a handstand?
A brunette with bad breath
A brunette with bad breath
what do you call a blonde with brown hair?
artificial intelligence
artificial intelligence
A doctor is doing his rounds in the hospital when a nurse approaches him and asks him to sign some paperwork. "Of course" says the doctor and reaches for his top pocket, before pulling out a thermometer.
"Dammit" says the doctor, looking at it, "that means some arsehole must have my pen."
"Dammit" says the doctor, looking at it, "that means some arsehole must have my pen."
:ices_rofl
A man steps into a train car and asks if there is a Catholic priest onboard,
"why, is somebody dying?" asks the guard,
"No" says the man...
"I'm looking for a bottle opener".
"why, is somebody dying?" asks the guard,
"No" says the man...
"I'm looking for a bottle opener".
John worked in Tesco for 5 years. During his time there he was awlays asked to stand at the tills and bag groceries for customers. Every day he stood at the tills bagging away. to his right was Joanne, she was incharge of the juice machine.
One day John asked his supervisor if him and Joanne could swap jobs for the day.
His supervisor refused and when John asked why, he was told "Baggers can't be Juicers".
One day John asked his supervisor if him and Joanne could swap jobs for the day.
His supervisor refused and when John asked why, he was told "Baggers can't be Juicers".
haha, awesome 
How do you turn a duck into a Jazz singer?
Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers.
Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers.
i've known this joke for a while now, wouldn't have been bother typing it out so i googled it 
stick with it, it's really worth it lmao.
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice “Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !”.
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie’s varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild!
The little old man jumps up again and shouts “No, no, play a Jazz chord,play a Jazz chord”
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. “No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord”.
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn’t seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage “OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!” The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing…
… wait for it …
>>>>“A jazz chord to say I ruv you…” <<<< highlight for punchline.
stick with it, it's really worth it lmao.
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice “Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !”.
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie’s varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild!
The little old man jumps up again and shouts “No, no, play a Jazz chord,play a Jazz chord”
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. “No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord”.
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn’t seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage “OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!” The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing…
… wait for it …
>>>>“A jazz chord to say I ruv you…” <<<< highlight for punchline.
Two young boys sitting on the curb, the first "I know all about sex", the second "I do too and it's a pain in the ass" First "You're doing it all wrong"
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader...she'd be "Ella Vader"
Little Johnny rides up to his friend Tony on a new Bike.
Tony Says "Nice Bike! How did you get that"
Johnny says " I just wait outside my parents bedroom till I hear all this noise, then burst in ....they will promise you anything just to get rid of you".
That night, Tony waits outside his parents bedroom ......he hears all kinds of noise ....then BURST into the room...
His Father, looks at him and says "What do YOU want"
Tony says "I wannna Watch!
His Father says
"Sit over there"
Tony Says "Nice Bike! How did you get that"
Johnny says " I just wait outside my parents bedroom till I hear all this noise, then burst in ....they will promise you anything just to get rid of you".
That night, Tony waits outside his parents bedroom ......he hears all kinds of noise ....then BURST into the room...
His Father, looks at him and says "What do YOU want"
Tony says "I wannna Watch!
His Father says
"Sit over there"
If the Actress "Tuesday Weld" married the producer.."Harry March the second"(Harry March II)
She'd be
Tuesday March the Second...
see pic.
They dated.
She'd be
Tuesday March the Second...
see pic.
They dated.
david bowie and kurt cobain once had a singing contest ( the man who sold the world ); the loser had to hunting with dick channey 
I'm such a knob, but I don't get it. Somebody care to explain?
In this country Catholic priests have a reputation for liking a drink or two. 
Just when I stopped laughing I remembered one bad jokequite similar to this, but even more disgusting:
What do you call a rubber doll with white eyes?
Full.
A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.
She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."
"What did you not understand ?"
And the blonde says: "Well, at the begginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"
She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."
"What did you not understand ?"
And the blonde says: "Well, at the begginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"
lol
:bump:
The barber told me this while I was having my haircut yesterday. Thought it was pretty funny.
Will summarise as it gets pretty long...
A wealthy man is in his death bed and asks his wife to bury him with all his money.
So the wife being Christian says, "Ofcourse dear, if thats your final wish I will do it".
The man dies. Funeral day, the priest says his lines and allows the wife to say the final goodbye. She puts a tin box in the coffin and closes it. The coffin gets lowered down and the men start filling up the hole.
A friend walks over to the wife and says in surprise, "I cant believe you actually did it."
And she replies, "Well, I had to. It was his wish. I went to the bank, transfered all his money to my bank account, wrote him out the check and placed it in that tin box. He will be able to cash it in once he gets there."
The barber told me this while I was having my haircut yesterday. Thought it was pretty funny.
Will summarise as it gets pretty long...
A wealthy man is in his death bed and asks his wife to bury him with all his money.
So the wife being Christian says, "Ofcourse dear, if thats your final wish I will do it".
The man dies. Funeral day, the priest says his lines and allows the wife to say the final goodbye. She puts a tin box in the coffin and closes it. The coffin gets lowered down and the men start filling up the hole.
A friend walks over to the wife and says in surprise, "I cant believe you actually did it."
And she replies, "Well, I had to. It was his wish. I went to the bank, transfered all his money to my bank account, wrote him out the check and placed it in that tin box. He will be able to cash it in once he gets there."
thanks for sending me that Alzheimer's joke. it was hilarious.
My racing snail has been losing races lately far too easily.
So I decided, for aerodynamic reasons, to pull off his shell.
If anything, it's made him more sluggish.
So I decided, for aerodynamic reasons, to pull off his shell.
If anything, it's made him more sluggish.
:doh: good one.
Investigation into electrocution incident, Police say they have several leads.
"What Alzheimer's joke? I forgot."
HA HA HA
i had sex with a fat girl on an elevator....
it was wrong on so many levels..
it was wrong on so many levels..
The bad jokes thread
(1536 posts, started )
FGED GREDG RDFGDR GSFDG