Got a new job in a bowling alley! It's not very good though as im only tenpin..
I always thought I had a massive cock.
Turned out to be an ostrich
Turned out to be an ostrich
Many people think Jeremy Beadle has a very small penis. But on the other hand, it's quite large.
I see what you did there.
women's rights
:hide:
:hide:
kitchen? where?
A Weight Loss Plan:
A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"
He lost 63 pounds that week.
A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"
He lost 63 pounds that week.
That's a good one!
A SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables. He walks up to them and says "Can I join you?"
Train Horn-
Train: WATCH OUT. WATCH OUT, I AM A TRAIN.
Me: Ah! Jesus, what time is it?
Train: I AM THE 3AM TRAIN OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW. DON'T GO ONTO THE TRACKS!
Me: Wha- It's three o'clock in the morning. I was asleep, in my bed. In my home.
Train: CAN'T STOP TO TALK. I HAVE TO DELIVER A VERY IMPORTANT SHIPMENT OF NOTHING AT ALL. WATCH OUT FOR ME, THE TRAIN.
Me: I am not watching out. I am going back to sleep.
Train: WE COULD TALK A LITTLE, IF YOU WANT. I AM VERY LONELY!
Smoke Alarm-
Me: (cooking bacon)
Alarm: EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE EVERYWHERE.
Me: Damn it. (retrieving stepladder)
Alarm: ALL THINGS THAT EVER WERE OR EVER WILL BE ARE NOW ABLAZE. ABANDON YOUR HOPES AND YOUR CHILDREN AND FLEE.
Me: (jabbing at smoke alarm with broom)
Alarm: CAUTION THE FIRE HAS EVOLVED CRUDE TOOLS AND IS ATTEMPTING TO SILENCE MY WARNINGS. LAMENT, BROTHERS! LAMENT! TELL MY WIFE I WAS FAITHFUL TO THE END.
Radiator-
Me: How does that feel? Good?
Girlfriend: Meh.
Radiator: CLANG CLANG GODDAMNIT.
Me: Oh no not tonight shut up man, shut up.
Radiator: DID SOMEONE DIAL UP SOME HEAT ABOUT THREE HOURS AGO? CAUSE WE ABOUT TO GET MAD COZY ALL UP IN HERE.
Girlfriend: What is that noise? Is that your radiator?
Radiator: EL HEAT IS ON ITS WAY. JUST GIVE ME A COUPLE HOURS TO DO MY THING.
Girlfriend: It sounds like two steel drums humping. Ugh, I'm getting a headache.
Me: I can turn it off. (Twists dial)
Radiator: AW NUH-UH MAN YOU DONE AWOKE THE BEAST. WE FINISHIN' THIS.
Girlfriend: I'm sorry, it's freezing in here, and my head hurts. I'm gonna go.
Me: No, wait! I can throw a towel over it or something!
Girlfriend: I'll see you later.
Radiator: DRUM SOLO YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHH
You can't be serious... haha
Had a good lol at the radiator.
Had a good lol at the radiator.
I got a porn email saying i could increase my penis length by 6 inches.
I thought about it for a second, then wondered what the hell would i do with an 18 inch penis.
I thought about it for a second, then wondered what the hell would i do with an 18 inch penis.
Haha
lol
:d
This thread is pointless now, we've found the best.:spin:
WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK!
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A 2 lb. Can of coffee and
A 1 lb. Package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing
behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated -- 'You
must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the
six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections
that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on
earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied -- 'Cause you're ugly.'
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A 2 lb. Can of coffee and
A 1 lb. Package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing
behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated -- 'You
must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the
six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections
that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on
earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied -- 'Cause you're ugly.'
what do you get when your fall in love ??
a ****in head ache
kicks drum kit off cliff
a ****in head ache
kicks drum kit off cliff
I knew it!
The DNA of Bin Laden has come back with a reading of 24% cocoa, 52% coconut, 18% sugar and 6% milk. Experts say this is probably due to the bounty on his head.
Man standing on a corner with hands in his pockets, not feeling crazy, ...feeling nuts!
........
Man went fishing and ran out of worm for bait. So man puts picture of worm on hook and guess what he caught, a picture of a fish.
........
While on the fish subject, what do you call a fish with no eye? A Fsh!
........
Man went fishing and ran out of worm for bait. So man puts picture of worm on hook and guess what he caught, a picture of a fish.
........
While on the fish subject, what do you call a fish with no eye? A Fsh!
Man with hand in pocket, feel cocky all day.
Baseball wrong. Man with 4 balls can not walk.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways, going to Bangkok.
Is good for lady to meet man in park, but better for man to park meat in lady.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
The bad jokes thread
(1536 posts, started )
FGED GREDG RDFGDR GSFDG