i decided that tonight, it was now or never, time to man up, so i did, i sat her down and told her the truth, face to face, and that i agree the timing is lousy, but that it had to be said because its burning me out.
So i told her, i love her more than anything, want to be with her more than anything, and i just want her.
She did seem a bit shocked really, she said she knew i liked her, but not this badly.
Im not going to lie, there were a few tears, from both of us, i dont think theres any shame in admitting that, she said that she does definately feel something for me too (which means i wasnt wrong) and maybe if things had been different then who knows, i then offered the viewpoint of if you dont try then you never know so lets make things different, (holding her hand accross the table now) which probably sounded a bit desperate, but who the **** cares (at that point) if it works then its progress!
To which she replied that eventhough a part of her wants to take that chance, lets say she did, and we tried to be together, then i would never be able to trust her properly because of it, if she could do it to her current bf (to be with me) then id always end up thinking that she would be capable of doing the same to me at some point, which is quite a good way of putting it, and it does have some truth to it i suppose.
So in a nutshell, despite everything, she just cant do it to him because she loves him, he loves her, and she isnt that cruel to be able to betray him like that with one of his best mates, it just wouldnt be right.
So we both stood up, held eachother face to face, had a good look into eachothers eyes, i gently kissed her lips and said, if only eh? at which point we both started welling up again, looking into eachothers faces was just making it worse for both of us, so we than had a good long hug, i was blubbing again a little bit, and i could tell she was too, so i kissed her hair, and as hard as it was (for either of us) to let go, we did, so i then went outside for a fag, she went to re-do her make up, and then by the time fag was smoked and makeup was redone her fella was then in from work.
So although i feel like absolute shit, i also feel that a weight has been lifted, she knows now, and thats it, were cool, job done, and case closed.
I am upset, but in all honesty, not really surprised, fate deals the cards, all we can do is play the game.
So, time to move on then, a rave, that im going to, on new years eve, full of scantily clad birds you say, hmm, interesting....