There is a red indian family in america with a big chief. The chief feels like pasta, but the pasta is off, and he gets constapated. The chief sends his message boy to the medicine man.
"Big chief, No shit!" Says the messanger.
"OK, tell him to take one of these pills and he'll be fine" Replied the medicine man."
The next day, the messenger returns.
"Big chief, No shit!" Says the messanger.
"OK, tell him to take 10 of these pills and he'll be fine" Replied the medicine man."
Once again, the messenger returned.
"Big chief, No shit!" Says the messanger.
"OK, this is wierd. Tell him to take 100 of these pills." Replied the medicine man."
And again, he returns...
"Big chief, No shit!" Says the messanger.
"OK, im giving him all my pills. 1million. If this doesnt work, i dont know what to do."
My friend goes to his home town race track, where the amateur dirt track drivers race every Saturday night.
My friend notices that one car, number 7, is completely and utterly destroying the rest of the field. He's lapping 20 cars in 10 laps, and he's passing down low, up high, in mid turn, everywhere, with great ease.
At the end of the 50 lap main event, number 7 wins by 6 laps, and the driver comes screeching into the make shift victory lane in the middle of the track, jumps up on top of his car, and starts throwing hundred dollar bills out into the cheering crowd.
At this point, the driver takes off his helmut, and my friend notices that he has what appears to be a Lemon for a head.
My friend decides "i have to talk to this guy" and
he makes his way through the crowd.
He immediatly asks the guy "How did you get to be such an amazing race driver ?
The Driver says "One day, i found a lamp
on the ground, rubbed it, and a genie popped
out and gave me three wishs"
He continues, "for my first wish, I said,
I want to be the greatest, most talented racing driver that's
ever been"
"Your wish is my command" the genie told me.
"For my second wish, I want to have boatloads of cash
for the rest of my life"
"Your wish is my command" the genie told me.
My bewildered friend said, "WOW!, that's incredible, what
was your third wish, then?"
The Driver replied, " I wished I had a lemon for a head "
A cowboy and his Native American life-partner are sitting on a ridge watching some smoke signals.
"What do they say?" asks Two-Gun Virgil.
"Hmmm..." says Runs With Scissors, "give me a second." He pauses to read the message, then cracks up, laughing so hard he doubles over on the ground.
"What the dang heck is so funny?" asks Virgil.
In between gasps, Runs With Scissors replies "Big Chief Talk To Hand want to know," he pauses for another breathless chuckle, " 'who the **** set my teepee on fire?!' "
:doh: I made that up. I'm sorry!
A man goes into a doctors. He has some sausages up his sleeve, carrots sticking out of his ears, bacon draped over his neck, a tomato on this top of his head and a small potato up each nostril.
The doctor says 'I think you've got an eating disorder'.
bunny comes into the bakery, and asks for a carrot cake.
Reply is that they don't have any carrot cake.
Next day bunny comes into the shop again and asks for the carrot cake again.
The man behind the counter is already getting annoyed and tells bunny they don't have carrot cake.
Another day passed and bunny came into the shop again, asking for carrot cake. Again the reply was that they don't sell carrote cake. But because the man was so sick of that bunny, he decided to bake a carrot cake.
Next day, bunny comes into the shop again, he asks for carrot cake. The man proudly presents the cake to the bunny.
The bunny replies: ooooh, tastes like sh*t huh!
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Bunny comes at a gasstation and asks the pump: Are you a robot?....
No answer.
Bunny asks again, are you a robot??
Still no answer.
Bunny gets annoyed, but tries again: are you a robot?!?
No reply.
Bunny is sick of it and yells: "Take your finger outta your ear and listen!"
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Bunny comes at the carpenter and asks: "how do you do?"
Carpenter yells: "I'm not telling, cause then you'll do it too!"
Why has Micheal Jackson moved to Liverpool? Because he likes being spanked by kids
A boy is born just having head. Still, his father loves him and when he is 18, he goes with his dad to the pub for his first pint. When he takes the first sip, he magically grows a torso. When he takes his second, in a similar fashion he gets two arms. When he takes his third, he gets two legs.
Then he gets so exited, he runs out of the path and gets hit by an oncoming garbage truck. The landlord says to his father "He should have quit whilt he was ahead".
<TheFoundation> the statue of liberty was never meant as a peace offering
<TheFoundation> the french just forgot to build an exit for their troops Source
* How do you know policemen are strong? * Because they can hold up traffic.
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* What's the friendliest school? * Hi school.
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There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.
Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them, "What's the Purple Wombat?"
"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.
"Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself.
Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat.
Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?"
"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm, "Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts -- march!"
So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.
"Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?"
"Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff."
"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?"
"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is."
"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."
The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.
"Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?"
"Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"
So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.
"Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?"
"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"
Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.
Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."
Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."
It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."
Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."
The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."
Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."
Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy."
It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."
The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."
It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned.
Moral: Don't stand up in a boat.
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* Why don't blind people like to skydive? * It scares the heck out of the dogs.
illepall