An atheist is walking in the forest. He stops and stares at the bear. Then the bear chases him. He trips over the bear climbs on comes to him, gets its paw ready to slice him when...everything stops. A light comes and shines on him. Do you plead for my mercy? No, said the man. Why not? Because i have taught everyone that you dont exist so i would be a hypocrit to beleive now! Very well, said God. But, said the man, could you make the bear a christain? Very well, said God. Then, everything resumed. The bear knelt down on all fours on said. I am grateful for the food i am about to recieve...

Click here for a good joke

It's my birthday, yay!

A bear walks into a pub and says to the barmans "I'll have a pint of...



















































...lager"

the barman says "why the big paws?"

LOL @ Tristan and Turb0

How do you get Pikachu on a Bus?






















You Pokehimon ( Care of my Seven old Daughter )

Man walks into a bar and see's a lovely blonde sitting on her own
He asks, "Can I get you a Cocktail"
No She replies, I cannot have Alcohol.
Why he replies, Does it make your legs swell
No She replies, it makes them open

Bit out of date now, so I hope nobody takes offence.

One day both the Pope and Bill Clinton die. But there is a mix up in St. Peters office, and the Pope gets sent to hell, whilst Clinton gets ushered up to Heaven. A few days pass before the error is noticed, and amendments are made. On the staircase between Heaven and Hell, Bill and the Pope pass each other on the day they swap takes place.
"Bit of a mix up there, wasn't it?" says Clinton
"Yes, but hardship is good for us. I for one cannot wait to meet the virgin Mary." responds the Pope.
Bill looks down, and simply replied "Sorry..."

Jokes?

Back in the Old West, a three legged dog enters the saloon in
Dodge city.AS he approached the bar, the bartender asks,
"Can I help you?". The dog replied,"I'm lookin for the man that shot my paw"

Ok ok...
Two blondes were out one night gazing at the stars. One blonde asks the
other, "I wonder which is farther from us, the Moon or Florida?".
The other blonde replied, "Hello?!! Can you SEE Florida?"

I would tell the joke about the cookie, but it's really crummy.

Ok. I'm bored, so here's two more...

A moron goes to the bar, hoping to score with the ladies. He approches one girl at the bar and asks her if he can buy her a drink. She says,"sure, but you must know that I'm a lesbian". The moron, totally impressed responds by asking, "Really? So how are things in Beruit?"


Two days later the same moron goes to another bar looking for love.
He meets one girl and has several drinks with her. Things are looking good for
him. He finally asks, Why don't we go to my place for some serious sex?"
She replies, "I'm sorry. I'm on my menstrual cycle". He then says," that's cool.
I'm too drunk to drive, I'll ride with you. Is it a Harley or one a them Japanese bikes?"

Quote from Racer Y :

Ok. I'm bored, so here's two more...

A moron goes to the bar, hoping to score with the ladies. He approches one girl at the bar and asks her if he can buy her a drink. She says,"sure, but you must know that I'm a lesbian". The moron, totally impressed responds by asking, "Really? So how are things in Beruit?"


Two days later the same moron goes to another bar looking for love.
He meets one girl and has several drinks with her. Things are looking good for
him. He finally asks, Why don't we go to my place for some serious sex?"
She replies, "I'm sorry. I'm on my menstrual cycle". He then says," that's cool.
I'm too drunk to drive, I'll ride with you. Is it a Harley or one a them Japanese bikes?"

Hahahahahahahahahahahahah

But over here the word moron is replaced with an Irish man.

Quote from Fordman :

Man walks into a bar and see's a lovely blonde sitting on her own
He asks, "Can I get you a Cocktail"
No She replies, I cannot have Alcohol.
Why he replies, Does it make your legs swell
No She replies, it makes them open

Ok two more...
This redneck, "Bubba" has a really big date with a waitress from Denny's.
And they hit it off really good. At the end of the date, as Bubba drives her
home to the trailer park, he asks, Mary Lou, can I kiss you?" And Mary Lou
replies, Why you Shore can Bubba". THe kiss, a long slobbery kiss with plenty of tongue action....Afterwards, Bubba says, "That Shore was a nice kiss
Mary Lou". Mary Lou, with a naughty gleam in her eyes then says," Bubba,
I want you to kiss me wear it stanks", and smiled in a provacative way......
So Bubba drives her to Pasadena and kisses her again.

(sorry, it's a Texas Thang )

Ok now... what do you get when you line up all the women in Oklahoma from end to end?
Give up?



A full set of teeth

Racer Y...
When your relative buys a new house... Do you have to come help take the wheels off of it?

Do you think a six-pack and a bug zapper is quality entertainment?

Do you think the last 4 words of the stars'n'stripes are "Gentlemen, start your engines"...

Cos... Youououou might be a redneck

Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar, barman says "is this a joke?"
_____________

David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the
kitchen department of a large department store.
"What's that?" he asks the assistant.
"A Thermos flask," replies the assistant.
"What does it do?" asks Becks.
The assistant says to him "it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
Really impressed, Becks buys one and takes it along to his next training session.
"Here, boys, look at this," Becks says proudly. "It's a Thermos flask."
The lads are impressed.
"What does it do?" they ask.
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," says David.
"what have you got in it?" asks Roy Keane.
"Two cups of tea and a choc ice," replies David.

Best Joke ever!

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"




"Always keep your condoms in your car."

Quote from Highsider9 :

Best Joke ever!

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"




"Always keep your condoms in your car."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH ROFL!!!

Pair of jump leads walk into a pub.
Barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".

ROFL! LMAO!

pirate walks in a bar.. and he has a steering wheel in his pants..

bartender : Why do you have a wheel in your pants?
pirate: Arrgh, its driving me nuts.

Nice one Highsider

Quote from thisnameistaken :

An ice cream man has been found dead in his van, covered in raspberry sauce, crushed nuts and sprinkles. Police think he topped himself.

Quote from Highsider9 :

Best Joke ever!

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"




"Always keep your condoms in your car."

ROFL!!! ROFL!! Im copying that one down onto my computer! HILARIOUS Joke man!!! ROFL!!!

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're
closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He
said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Wedgie Kray.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and
there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

I don't think I can be hypnotized. This hypnotist tried to hypnotize me one time, but he couldn't. And I tell him that each Tuesday that I go over to wash his car.