I found this on the Atari forums, and it was hilarious to read so i brought it here.

Quote :

Originally posted By XiJames

Guide To Noobs
Table of contents

A. INTRO

I. What is this?
II. Defining 'Noob'

B. COMMON NOOB CHARACTERISTICS

I. Noobish
II. Where to find noobs
III. Behavior of noobs
IV. Noob religion
V. More about noob habitats

C. AVOIDING NOOBS

I. Make sure you aren't one
II. Major noob avoiding strategies

D. SUBSPECIES

I. Adam



A. INTRO

I. What is this?

This guide is designed to give you a better understanding of what a noob is, how to recognize them, some details about them, and how to avoid or get rid of them. It mostly applies to online forums, which are the main targets of migrating noobs.

II. Defining 'Noob'

Contrary to the belief of many, a noob/n00b and a newbie/newb are not the same thing. Newbs are those who are new to some task* and are very beginner at it, possibly a little overconfident about it, but they are willing to learn and fix their errors to move out of that stage. Noobs, on the other hand, know little and have no will to learn any more. They expect people to do the work for them and then expect to get praised about it, and make up a unique species of their own. It is the latter we will study in this guide so that the reader is prepared to encounter them in the wild if needed.

Noobs are often referred to as n00bs as a sign of disrespect toward them, and it's often hella funny, but I will refer to them as noobs during this reading.

* Usually the topic at hand on an internet forum.

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B. COMMON NOOB CHARACTERISTICS

I. Noobish

Often, but not always, noobs will attempt to communicate in their own primitive language, known as noobish. It is a variant of the hacker language that exposes them as having little intelligence or will to learn. Here is an example of some noobish. Do not attempt to comprehend it: it cannot be discerned without professionals at hand.

stFU /\/\an, i r teh r0xx0rz liek emin3m, u cna go tO EHLL OR ATLE4St help m3 wit hthIS!!111!!!!!!!1~~1!!``!! LOLLOLOLLOLOLlOoLLOlollLLl u n00b

Although you may find this unbelievably funny and/or annoying, it is best to restrain yourself and keep from talking back to them, as they are very territorial and easily angered. This will result in their attempted verbal abuse of you, possibly backed up by other noobs, because they work in packs when doing offensive tasks. It is not an easy task to learn this language because our intelligent accent will keep it from sounding quite right when spoken. You can write some simple noobish of your own, however, by slamming your face into your keyboard repeatedly.

II. Where to find noobs

On the internet, noobs make their colonies on forums. They migrate in waves, usually on weekends, and proceed to clog up bandwidth with stupid questions and sometimes even stupid answers. If you happen to be unfortunate enough to be on a board large enough to attract migrating noobs, there will hopefully be authority in charge who is smart enough to take extermination measures before they can make nests and larger colonies.

Larger colonies can result in the mutation of some into spammers. Not commercial spammers, but pointless spammers. A noob can become one of these at any point, but the larger the amount of noobs, the more chance pointless spammers will appear.

Off the internet, noobs appear anywhere the focus is on learning or discussing something specific.

III. Behavior of noobs

Since noobs are basically ignorant bastards, they have a lot in common. The most often seen characteristic is their fluency in noobish, which is why it got its own section. They will also be very self confident as if they were the absolute best at what they are in fact the worst at. Also, they are quite agressive and self-centered, and tend to laugh a lot using many L's and O's in rapid sucession (the noobish word for laughing like an ultimate retard).

It is their instinct to assemble in packs for defense, and they often attempt to organize packs that they call teams. Unfortunately for them, teams usually result in a total loss of communication and they can often begin to fight amongst each other. These teams are quite unlike those formed by non-noobs.

Noobs have difficulty reading english and cannot comprehend the idea of authority. Therefore, they have an all-out disregard for rules, basic or not. A good way to identify a noob (bad) vs. a newb (good) is to tell them (or have an authority tell them) which rule they are unknowingly breaking. If they respond with an apology and fix it, they are probably not a noob. If they react by insulting everything around them in rapid noobish and causing general mayhem, it is because they are a noob and have had a small seizure due to their inability to understand what is happening.

IV. Noob religion

Noobs follow a variation of the 1337 (sometimes 7331) religion, in which they worship the number in odd rituals and put altars in their forum avatars and signatures. They often call themselves 1337, which experts say is somewhat like calling themselves godly in a human language. It's best to not interfere with their religious fantasies and practices because that can lead to a noob uprising, which can turn a forum to mush in less than a week.

V. More about noob habitats

Noobs often attempt to maintain their own web pages. Some common features of these lairs are a terrible lack of content, background music, lots of pointless animated gifs, and pages that say some variation of 'tHEir isnothinG H34r yEtt LOLLOLOL!111!1!!~~~!!`! 13371337', which means 'Nothing here yet' in noobish. They will also have large, seemingly infinite marquees of 88X31 affiliate buttons replaced with red X's scattered here and there, and possibly a hit counter showing a number less than 100. These habitats are numerous but fairly easy to avoid because only noobs link to them. So if you can identify a noob, don't go to its homepage. Simple as that.

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C. AVOIDING NOOBS

I. Make sure you aren't one

Note: This section is bilingual so even noobs can make the discovery if they haven't already.

English (T4lk)-
Read the above parts of this guide carefully. If you find yourself unable to comprehend any of it but are instead beginning to think about how great you are and how awesome 'teh 1337' is, you might want to take one of the many available online quizzes to check your noobancy.

Noobish (133713371337)-
Liek, u gott4 re3D teh gudieCAREFUl1y and tehn OMG LIEK I AM R0XX0RZ ya anD ify 0u turn into teh reTARDED u gota go 2 MY WEBP4GE LOLLOLOL!!111~11 ad check 4 warez n stfuu. if u r a n00b go2HELL LOLLOLOlROFLMFAO11!!!11!!!! a/s/l pos gtg n00b suxx0rz ur b0xx0rz OLOOOLOLLLL HELP HELP HELP 1337133713371337

II. Major noob avoiding strategies

The main factor in attracting migrating herds of noobs is a large, active forum. If you find one of these, look to see if it has the management to avoid noob infestation. If not, look for a small or mid-sized forum that covers the same topic so you can enjoy your time there before the noobs find it.

Another way to keep noobs from interfering with your life is to become part of the authority on one of these forums. But that's often hard to do so you'll probably be better off avoiding larger forums first off. If you do manage to become part of the authority, however, take full advantage of it and establish extermination policies so that normal people can have a nice time without noob infestations.

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D. SUBSPECIES

I. Adam

Noobs, like any species, evolve, devolve, and mutate. Occasionally, unusual breeds of noob will appear here and there. One in particular is worth mentioning.

For those of you visiting from the GMC, you'll know that Adam is a disturbingly antisocial and racist user with radically strange opinions who lingers around the (programming) forum without actually programming anything himself. Immortal has been kind enough to compile a couple pages of direct quotes from him.

negative0.net/eagle/adam/adamquotes.html
negative0.net/eagle/adam/adam.html

Other quotes that have been lost among old forum files were the incident where he threatened to move into my neighborhood and build a snowman on me, also calling me a mother glover and a pillow-fluff eater in the process, and the time where he told someone he'd call president bush and have him burn down england. Under none of these circumstances was he joking in any way. Adam, undoubtedly, is a species of his own, with ancestry in the noob family, and possibly with some nun and nazi heritage also. No other sighting of this species has occured, to my knowledge.

unfortunatly, it seems to describe countless people on this forum. At least the devs gave us a large police force on these forums.

stfu noob.

R-O-F-L
I`m a n00b

boring

Quote from BlueFlame :

boring

Thats because you are a n00b to

Quote from jjones :

sad and very anoying

Quote from The Very End :

Thats because you are a n00b to

The claims in the article that noobs cannot spell has been proven true.

Wow, this has turned into a flame war already...

Quote from h3adbang3r :

Wow, this has turned into a flame war already...

It's not a flame war, we are just joking around...at least I was.

Anyway, what did you expect from a thread titled "A guide to noobs"

Quote from ans7812 :

The claims in the article that noobs cannot spell has been proven true.

Lol true
To is used for example TO DO, witch means something you are going to do. To do a thing for axample. To take a wank is a other example.
Too is used when saying something eighter is too much (like I drank too much beer yesterday and can`t remember shit) or it can be used like, Johny and Jack come here, you too aswell xxx.

Lol





PPPPPPPPPPPPPpppppppppiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

I actually was able to understand what you wrote there, I`m impressed by myself -.-`

ROFLMAO! That is great. I'm not going to say the obvious comment But can I put it on my website? I assume its copyright-free? :S


DK

Quote from The Very End :

R-O-F-L
I`m a n00b

no ure not, i am!

Quote from [RCG]Boosted :

no ure not, i am!

YOU SHUT THE FECK UP!!!1111
I`M TEH N00B HERE, DON`T TRY TO PUT ANY CROWN ON YOURSELF BECAUSE I`M TEH N00B!!!!


....
..
..


PIE!

the whistle goes WOO WOOOOOOOOOOOO

Here comes the n000000000oooobtrain!!

Quote from The Very End :

YOU SHUT THE FECK UP!!!1111
I`M TEH N00B HERE, DON`T TRY TO PUT ANY CROWN ON YOURSELF BECAUSE I`M TEH N00B!!!!


....
..
..


PIE!

^^ Niko :P

DK

nref locks?

Quote from Rappa Z :

I found this on the Atari forums, and it was hilarious to read so i brought it here.

unfortunatly, it seems to describe countless people on this forum. At least the devs gave us a large police force on these forums.

this is why i always say " i can speak english , noobish , geek and computernese :ices_rofl

Wasn't think of this as a funny thread for a bit.

1 15 T3H 1337Z0RZ LOLOLOOLLlOOLL!!!111oneeleven

that was a bit fun

Going to be learning plenty of noobish when I get Garry's Mod working

Quote from The Very End :

I actually was able to understand what you wrote there, I`m impressed by myself -.-`

I do believe that you should be more worried than impressed

they have gathered already.

Guide to not getting banned: don't post shite.