Two penguins went up the stairs. One turned right, the other one was blue.
Why did the baker have smelly hands?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Because he kneaded a poo.
They are with 200 and they turn. What are they?
200 degrees
200 degrees
I went into B&Q (a chain of hardware shops in the UK) the other day. Some guy came up to me and asked if I wanted decking. It's OK though, I got the first punch in. Knocked him clean out.
I went to the doctor the other day. Told him I'd broken my arm in 2 different places and asked if he had any advice. He told me not to go back to those places.
An Irishman goes for a job interview. The interviewer says he has to give the Irishman a simple maths test. So, he gives him a sheet of paper and a pencil and asks him to represent 9 without using numbers. So, the Irishman thinks for a bit then draws three trees. So, the interviewer asks him how that represents 9. So, the Irishman says <Irish accent>"There's tree, tree and tree. Dat's nine!"</Irish accent>. So, the interviewer looks a bit puzzled then asks the Irishman to represent 99 without numbers. The Irishman thinks a bit again then scribbles on the trunk of each tree. The interviewer's looking puzzled again so the Irishman says <Irish accent>"Someone came along and sprayed graffiti on the trees. So, dat's dirty tree, dirty tree and dirty tree. 99!"</Irish accent>. So, the interviewer's getting a bit worried he might need to hire this guy so he throws him a puzzler. He asks him to represent 100. So, he thinks again then draws another wee squiggle at the foot of each tree. He says <Irish accent>"A little dog came along and did a shite next to each tree. Dat's dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd. 100!"</Irish accent>
I went to the doctor the other day. Told him I'd broken my arm in 2 different places and asked if he had any advice. He told me not to go back to those places.
An Irishman goes for a job interview. The interviewer says he has to give the Irishman a simple maths test. So, he gives him a sheet of paper and a pencil and asks him to represent 9 without using numbers. So, the Irishman thinks for a bit then draws three trees. So, the interviewer asks him how that represents 9. So, the Irishman says <Irish accent>"There's tree, tree and tree. Dat's nine!"</Irish accent>. So, the interviewer looks a bit puzzled then asks the Irishman to represent 99 without numbers. The Irishman thinks a bit again then scribbles on the trunk of each tree. The interviewer's looking puzzled again so the Irishman says <Irish accent>"Someone came along and sprayed graffiti on the trees. So, dat's dirty tree, dirty tree and dirty tree. 99!"</Irish accent>. So, the interviewer's getting a bit worried he might need to hire this guy so he throws him a puzzler. He asks him to represent 100. So, he thinks again then draws another wee squiggle at the foot of each tree. He says <Irish accent>"A little dog came along and did a shite next to each tree. Dat's dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd. 100!"</Irish accent>
doesnt belong here, its funny
The police found a dead ice cream man covered in hundreds and thousands the other day. They think he topped himself.
a civilian plane has crashed on a grave yard.
so far 846 body's have been found
so far 846 body's have been found
PRESS RELEASE
Alan Gow has just sold the rights to produce a new game of the HiQ MSA British Touring Car Championship to Rockstar Games. The new title will be called TWOCA 2008.
Alan Gow has just sold the rights to produce a new game of the HiQ MSA British Touring Car Championship to Rockstar Games. The new title will be called TWOCA 2008.
Other working title...
GTA: BTCC
Warning: very bad taste, belongs here as it is a terrible joke I heard today...
What's the difference between E.T. and Maddie? E.T. returned home...
What's the difference between E.T. and Maddie? E.T. returned home...
Oh, I've heard much, much worse Maddie jokes, but I'd probably get banned for posting them here...
I went to the zoo the other day. Was disappointed though - they only had one dog there. It was a shitsu.
I bought a step ladder the other day. My real ladder left when I was young.
I bought a step ladder the other day. My real ladder left when I was young.
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30 am , and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's w idow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said:
'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!'
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30 am , and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's w idow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said:
'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!'
ha ha ha ha ha! awesome, had me intrested the last couple of lines
if you get a nascar fan angry, just run and turn right
ok, this is a really 'bad' one:
An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...
Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?
The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it.. he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!
He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"
The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.
Geez
That's a good one, I like it!Whats Green and smells of pork?
Kermits Fingers...
Kermits Fingers...
green eggs and ham? 
White text. 
TGL, that's a good'un.
TGL, that's a good'un.
This is NOT meant to be racist, and I hope it doesent offend anyone. Heard it in science.. xD
There's 4 men on a plane. An English man, an American man, a Dutch man, and a Pakistani man.
There's a failure with the plane and the hostess says 'Some people need to jump off or we'll all die!'
So the American says 'FOR MY COUNTRY!' and Jumps off, the Dutch man says 'FOR MY COUNTRY!' and jumps off. The English man says 'FOR MY COUNTRY!' and kicks the pakistani off.
There's 4 men on a plane. An English man, an American man, a Dutch man, and a Pakistani man.
There's a failure with the plane and the hostess says 'Some people need to jump off or we'll all die!'
So the American says 'FOR MY COUNTRY!' and Jumps off, the Dutch man says 'FOR MY COUNTRY!' and jumps off. The English man says 'FOR MY COUNTRY!' and kicks the pakistani off.
That says more about the listeners than about the joke itself, in my opinion. It's sad that we need to say things like this before we tell a joke, otherwise it might hurt people
Okay then, how many Arsenal fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Both of them
Both of them
What do you get when your a geek and stupid.
and error
and error
The bad jokes thread
(1536 posts, started )
FGED GREDG RDFGDR GSFDG