The online racing simulator
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines And tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun.

'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.'

This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to Play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.

'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?'

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a Five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with Three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up.

He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.

He wakes her up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and Comes down with four?'

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to Sleep.
A poor guy comes to a house to ask for food.
He knocks, a guy opens up:
"What you want"
-Poor guy says "Do you have food for me ?"
"Do you mind if is from a day ago?" The guy answers
"No, i dont mind" Poor guy
"Then come tomorrow"
THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILLI CONTEST


If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there is no hope for you!

(*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!)


For those of you who live or have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The third judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and besides they told me I could have all the free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli #1 (Mike's Manic Mobster Monster Chilli)

Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one, these Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli)

Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chilli # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)

Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 - A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everybody knows the routine by now. Get me some more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Chilli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)


Judge # 1 - Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scrape across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb lady is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

Chilli # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that he chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Stuff those rednecks!

Chilli # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)

Judge # 1 - Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 - I shat myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips any more. I need to
wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chilli # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli)

Judge # 1 - A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge # 3. (He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably)
. You could place a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like stuff which matches my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Sod it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8 (Tommy's Toe-nail Curling Chilli)

Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blended chilli. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli?
Quote from Mackie The Staggie :
THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILLI CONTEST


/snip

Wrong thread Mackie..This is the BAD jokes thread, and that was bloody funny!
Quote from Bean0 :How do you get a fat lass into bed ?
Piece of cake

LOL.

Osco's was pretty funny as well.
Quote from Bladerunner :Wrong thread Mackie..This is the BAD jokes thread, and that was bloody funny!

In an attempt to address the imbalance.


A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got one minute to get out!'

The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you b*****d!'

or


What's the first sign of madness?

Suggs walking up your garden path
Guy 1: Ohai! Didchu know Micheal Schumacher is releasing a new Mp3 player?

Guy 2: NO WAI! Whuts it called?!

Guy 1: iRacing


Epic.
Repost or not, that was bloody funny.
Yep, readressing the balance there guys - they were AWFUL!

Quote from Mackie The Staggie :
What's the first sign of madness?

Suggs walking up your garden path

Quote from Sueycide_FD :Guy 1: Ohai! Didchu know Micheal Schumacher is releasing a new Mp3 player?

Guy 2: NO WAI! Whuts it called?!

Guy 1: iRacing


Epic.

Whats the first sign of madness.
Hairs growing on the palms of your hands.

Second is looking for them.

Suprising how many people you can get with that.
Nah...only HALF redressed...I thought the tortoise one was very funny!
I found the names of the different chillis even better than the judgment.
If a quiz is quizzical, what is a test...?
Quote from j@tko :if A Quiz Is Quizzical, What Is A Test...?

Yes!!!!!!!!!!!
What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park your car in it man.

lol?

A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The judge said, "What will you take: 30 days or $30?" The man thought and replied, "I think I'll take the money."

:ices_rofl
This joke is in no way dirty or immature.

Why is Santa's sack so big?
Because he only comes once a year!
A woman comes back from holiday to her house, where a man has been looking after her cat. She knocks on the door and the man answers.

"Hows my cat?"
"It's dead"
"(Crying) Well you could have told me a bit more nicely, something like saying it got stuck on the roof, then fell when you tried to get it down, and the vet had to put it down, or something like that!"
"Well I'm sorry - I didn't think of it like that."
"Ah well, how's my mother?"
"Well, she got stuck on the roof....."
Quote from J@tko :A woman comes back from holiday to her house, where a man has been looking after her cat. She knocks on the door and the man answers.

"Hows my cat?"
"It's dead"
"(Crying) Well you could have told me a bit more nicely, something like saying it got stuck on the roof, then fell when you tried to get it down, and the vet had to put it down, or something like that!"
"Well I'm sorry - I didn't think of it like that."
"Ah well, how's my mother?"
"Well, she got stuck on the roof....."

ROFL

Wrong thread.

A young couple decided to 'spice up' their love life by inventing a new game for the weekends..
On Friday evening the fella went into a sex-shop and bought a big pack of multi-flavoured condoms, took them home, and explained to his girl that the idea of the game was that he would put on one of the condoms, and she would guess the flavour...

All went well the first night, then on the second night she started to play, and said: "mmm Thats difficult, I reckon that must be Cheese and Onion flavour"

He says: "But I havent put one on yet!"
That joke made me laugh, but my fellow students were decidedly less amused by it. So it deserves its place in this thread.
"Zere vere zwei peanuts valking down ze strasse. And vone vas assaulted. Peanut."
Quote from Crashgate3 :"Zere vere zwei peanuts valking down ze strasse. And vone vas assaulted. Peanut."

Argh, the german jokes...
(hoe does that work? Peanut = some fancy pronounciation joke?)

The bad jokes thread
(1536 posts, started )
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