I kicked a guy's wing-mirror off at a red light once. Some redneck threw a large cup of coke at me from the back of this hicksville Commodore, so when I saw that he'd stopped up ahead, I built up speed and launched my right foot at his mirror. It snapped with a satisfying 1980s plasticky "CLACK" sound and I promptly turned around and went on my way on the footpath in the opposite direction. Ah, good times
Melbourne's not bad for cyclists with regard to bike lanes, bike paths and racks to lock them to in the city, it's the humans in cars that need a bit of work. The pedestrians in the city can be downright dangerous though, wandering across the street without bothering to friggin look either way, let alone both, and then abusing
me as I come to a skidding, swearing halt inches away from them, but at least if I actually hit a pedestrian I'd be a lot better off than if I hit a car. At least a I have a helmet & gloves, while your average pedestrian only has an iPod and their shit taste in music to protect them from injury.
Speaking of idiots, the state government recently imposed a law banning bikes on trains between 6-9 am and 4-7 pm, apparently as some kind of "solution" to crowding on the trains (never mind that there are often cancellations due to "a lack of trains", which is a commonly-heard phrase at Flinders St Station). Naturally, with Melbourne being full of cyclists who don't always want to ride the whole way to the city to work, as is their right, this idiotic non-solution was given as much respect as it deserved and the whole experiment lasted about three weeks
Perhaps if the government stopped blaming the users of public transport for the congestion that they've allowed to build up unchecked over the past decade and began investing a little more in public transport infrastructure, they wouldn't have to look for scapegoats every year or so. Last year they picked on people who hold train doors open and make them late (even though it had no discernible effect and our rail operators have absolutely no trouble making themselves late anyway), this year it was cyclists. Next year, who knows? Ladies with prams? People with skateboards?
My favourite thing ever wasn't a run of the mill fool driving across my lane or turning left without noticing I was there, it was some halfwitted spongehead who'd parked at the kerb but left her friggin door open, blocking the entire bike lane which, at 7.45am on St Kilda Rd, is chockers with cyclists (I should mention that it's on the flat, just after a big hill so everyone's still doing 30-40kph by the time they get to that spot). I don't think I've ever managed to fit that many four-letter words into such a small space of time, either before or since, even on a gutful of Sudafed.
My pet hate though (because it happens all the friggin time) is people on %(*$^ing mopeds/scooters/Vespas (and occasionally proper motorcycles) riding along in the bike lane behind me to get past traffic (and subsequently hold it up after the next green light because their 50cc putt-putts can't actually get up hills or go much faster than 54kph). When that happens, I try and ride slow enough so that I can remain upright but they either have to stop or detour to do the same
Sure, they're little and narrow etc. but I'm sorry, you retro-ironic hipster wankers with your cute lil' open-face helmets, you don't get to have it both ways. You're an engined vehicle and I'm not, so suck it up and ride on the road like everyone else has to. I could also mention my annoyance at those people who ride power-assisted bicycles (same amount of noise & smell as a scooter with half the power) and are invariably slower than every other cyclist on the road even whilst going uphill & that's including me on my huge monster-truck cross-country bike, but that might just get me started, and noone wants that
