The spider drawing prankster is back.

Quote :

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

They are very small ducks.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.

Helen

*****************************************************************************************
From:Jeff Peters
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Membership Renewal

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go f$*k yourself.

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.

Lmfao the last one is really good. 'the middle one'. Haha

That is great!

Thank you sir. Now i have to wipe saliva covered spaghetti hoops off my tv

But seriously this is AWESOME!

This is good, I gotta try it too sometimes

i like the bit about the goldfish water freezing over

i completely lost my composure at "Except with more Spandex obviously."
thank you kind sir for posting this late enough for me not to be a giggling mess at work

Fcuk thats great.


very few people who can do dry humor correctly, that sir, is one.

Mackie The Staggie just won the internet's lotto!
You can go claim your prize to Edinburgh!

Dude, this David Thorne Guy has his own website full of this stuff. I'm pissing myself laughing after reading each one!
Click the "27b/6" on the top right corner.
http://www.27bslash6.com/

He apparently spawned a trouble-making son too.

Epic!

:chairfall this is epic

Some of the stuff on that site is classic. There's not been one page so far that hasn't had me stifling giggles from my workmates. They must think I came back even more strange than when I left

that had me laughing hahaha amazing, thanks for sharing

Looked at this earlier, so funny

Brilliant

****ing epic i think is the only way i can descibe that

Thats amazing. One of the best things i have seen. Brilliant

+1 to everybody.

Indeed

This is pure gold

I think this is my favourite one from that site...

Quote from 27b/6 :

no #1

While working at a horse riding camp several years ago, I spent a good twenty minutes explaining to a group which consisted of twelve children and their young teacher, the importance of horse safety before walking behind a horse and being kicked in the head. I recall only walking in a zigag back to the house with the muffled sounds of children screaming in the background before collapsing and waking up in hospital. While I was there, with a fractured skull, the teacher bought me in a get well soon card signed by all the children so I asked her out but she said no.


no #2

During a work seminar of around forty people, we were handed out forms and asked to fill out a questionnaire on the horrific concept of smoke free working environments. As I did not bring a pen to the seminar, I raised my hand and asked "Will we be provided with..." and had a mental glitch where my brain forgot what a pen was called so, after several uncomfortable seconds of silence, added "...writing implements?" which caused the girl sitting next to me to giggle for several minutes. During the lunch break and despite the fact I would have to sit next to her for another two hours, I asked her out but she said no.


no #3

Around the corner from my place is a 24 hour petrol station thing that I buy what little products I require that don't come in a can (milk) and feed my car (my car is very thirsty and is like having another child in that it is demanding, expensive and problematic. It would be a pretty big child, and made of metal but that is not the point). The point is that a girl started working there and I thought she was really nice but she would serve me and not speak or make eye contact so I asked her if she had a 'carfor'' and she asked me "what's a carfor" to which I replied "driving around in when I am not paying ninety two dollars to feed it" and she laughed in a very strange manner and went back to what looked like counting in binary in her head. After some small talk (which on hindsight she may have taken as admonishing her on the poor choice of video's they sold), I asked her out but she said no.


no #4

Many years ago, while driving to Uni one morning, a girl driving a Ford Laser pulled up at the traffic lights next to me and I noticed she was wiping tears and looking quite angry. After the lights turned green, she changed into my lane ahead of me and as there is nothing more attractive than angry and upset females, I came up with an ingenious plan: the next time she stopped at lights, I would 'accidently' tap the back of her car then get out, talk, exchange numbers and then get married and have a pet dog. As she was pulling to a stop, I edged forward but unfortunately she braked more suddenly than I had expected and I slammed into the back of her car hard enough to see her head flap around like a rag doll. After pulling over, exchanging details and offering to drive her to the hospital for the cut on her forehead, I asked her out but she said no.


no #5

At the local swimming pool canteen, not realising until afterwards that my penis was caught in the elastic of my swimming shorts with the tip sticking out, I purchased a packet of twisties and a can of coke before asking out the girl who served me but she said no.


no #6

A lady (aged one hundred and ninety) at the counter at Myers in front of me yelled "My purse" then looked at me and proclaimed "You took my purse" so I said "yes, I took your purse, I collect them." and she started yelling at me and the department manager came over and I had to explain that I was not admitting to the theft, I was being sarcastic. Her purse ended up in one of the many bags she was carrying but she continued to glare at me without so much as an apology. When the girl served me she apologised and I asked her "Why, did you arrange someone to act like an old crazy woman for me?" and she laughed and said that I was funny so I asked her out but she said no.


no #7

While I was walking down the centre of a popular shopping mall in the centre of the city, I noticed that a lot of people were looking at my shoes, then my face, then back to my shoes. I figured that they were impressed with the pair of black Globe sneakers with white stitching I had bought the day before. After spending an hour or so shopping, while waiting for the elevator to the car park, one girl in particular kept staring before shyly walking up to me and quietly pointing out that the underpants I had worn the day before and inadvertently left in my jeans had worked their way down one leg and were hanging out the bottom like a flag. I was quite embarrassed and stated that 'They were not mine and had no idea how they had got there' before realising that having another mans underpants hanging out the bottom of my jeans was probably worse so quickly admitted that "no, sorry that was a lie, they are my underpants" and she looked at me strangely before I asked her out but she said no.


no #8

While I was in a electronics store called Jaycar buying something with blinking lights, a girl approached and asked me a question concerning which network cable would be suitable for her needs. Wanting to appear helpful, I found a large selection of cables and listed the benefits of each. After she explained that the cable needed to be long enough to reach from her neighbours house to hers as her neighbour had offered to share their broadband, I laughed and told her that was the 'stupidest thing I have ever heard and did not know if the store had cables that long' so she asked "Well, can I speak to someone else then?". I looked blank before realising that I was wearing a blue shirt the same colour as the staff that worked there and the whole time I had been helping her she had assumed that I was an employee. After explaining to her that I did not work there and denying that I had been pretending to do so, I asked her out but she said no.


no #9

While talking to a girl at a bar, I lied to her about my job, telling her I was a wind turbine technician (specialising in aerotechatrons) because I was bored and thought it would be funny. After a few beers, I put my arm out to lean against the bar (which I did not know was covered in spilled beer) and my hand slipped sending my neck into the corner of the bar and leaving me unable to breathe for a few minutes. After assuring her that I did not require medical assistance, she stated that she had to go and asked for my business card. Forgetting my deception, I handed one over and while she stood there reading the card then looking strangely at me, I asked her out but she said no.


no #10

Around the time I was twelve, my sister had really hot friends staying over. I would dress in ninja gear and wriggle 'saving private ryan beach commando style' into her bedroom and listen to their conversations. Some were educational, most were inane. A few months ago, I was standing in a cd store and a girl came up to me and said "Are you David?" to which I replied "It depends" (and immediately regretted as I knew that if she asked me 'depends on what', I had nothing). The fear must have shown because she asked "Depends on what?" and I replied like a retard "On whether it is on or off the record, I have been misquoted by you people before." and she looked at me as if I was a retard before telling me that she had been a friend of my sisters and remembered me and then actually asked "Are you still annoying?" so I asked her if she still "squeezed her nipples while thinking about kissing Michael Wilson". After a pretty long pause I asked her out but she said no.

And, how could i forget.......

Quote :

Ikea

Here is my simple step by step guide to buying a sofa from IKEA. Some people may think that purchasing a sofa would be a simple exercise but with determination and a little planning, you can ensure that it is a painful process.


Step 1

Ring David at 7.40am and ask him if he will come to IKEA with you. It is important to ring this early as David will be disorientated and agree to anything.


Step 2

Ring David again at 8.05am to check that he got up as getting to IKEA early is imperative. This twenty five minute interval will ensure that if David did get up, he will be in the shower when you call. Ring David again at 9.15 to enquire where he is and ask him to get you a large latte on the way. If he declines, tell him not to be a selfish prick and remind him of the time you fed his fish while he was away six years ago.


Step 3

When David arrives, inform him that you are taking his car because it is bigger. This is also the time to inform him that you are buying a sofa and he will need to rent a trailer on the way. Now that David is at your place you can get ready at your leisure. As you just put the clothes you want to wear in the dryer, he will have to wait an hour anyway. Make him useful during this time by having him edit a website you are working on about Australian architecture.


Step 4

On the way to IKEA, complain about David's choice in music. Demand a better selection. Make David pull over and tune his stereo to your ipod's itrip and play eighties dance tracks such as 'Big in Japan' by Alphaville loud enough for cars around you to hear. Sing the chorus. If you get the words wrong, explain that's the way they are in another version.


Step 5

When you get to IKEA, do not go straight to the sofa section. Follow the path IKEA have set for you to take and stop and look at every item. Point out the price and comparison of each product by cross referencing it with the IKEA catalogue. Remember to stop at each location point and consult the 'you are here' diagram before progressing. Inform David every two minutes of your exact location in the store by marking your journey on the IKEA map with your IKEA pencil.


Step 6

At the sofa section, sit on every couch and pretend you are watching television. Make david sit next to you like a couple. Also, whenever David is more than five metres away, call out questions such as "What is the foam density of that one?" loud enough for a thirty metre radius to hear. Consult with the staff about every couch. Researching sofa's on the internet before you go will enable you to discuss frame warp and fabric weave. Asking about colour choices and availability will involve looking through large sample books. Consult David on each swatch.


Step 7

Once you have made your selection, do not leave the store. Purchase a coffee table and shelf unit and tell David that he will help you put them together when you get home. Also purchase lamps, glass tea light holders, cutlery, ice cube trays, cusions, stackable boxes, an ironing board cover, a quilt cover set and a rug. Make David carry everything, explaining that you need your hands free to write on the IKEA product slip with your IKEA pencil.


Step 8

Before leaving, inform David that you would like to try the famous Swedish Meatballs at the IKEA restaurant. If he states that he will wait in the car, explain that you are shopping together, not one person shopping and the other waiting in the car. Discuss the meatballs on the drive home.