...and then there was the dyslexic athiest, didn't believe there was a dog...
Poll : What do u think of this thread?
Hell yea ill post
17
Boring!
15
Ill post 'cause i have nothing better
12
A brazilian...lol.....
Anyways.......
A freind of mine just got a new car and came over to take me for a drive.
As we approached a traffic intersection, the stoplight turns red. He floors the accelerator and runs the red light. I asked, "Why did you do that?"
He said, "My brother does that and he taught me how to drive".
We drive a few miles further we come to another red light and again, he runs it. I said,"Dude! What are you doing?" He replies,"My brother does that and he taught me how to drive". So we go a few miles further and approach another traffic signal. This time the light turns green. My friend
slams on the brakes and comes to a complete stop. I said,"the light is green you can go dude". He said, "Yeah I know, but my brother might be coming the other way".
A businessman with a Great Dane checks into a hotel. The clerk tells him
that he can get the businessman whatever he wants...dope...women...whatever.
A few hours go by and the businessman calls the desk clerk. He says,'" I need a woman. She needs to be six and a half feet tall and weigh no more than 90 pounds". The desk clerk says,"No problemo dude"' and in an hour a
woman, 6'-6" tall weighing 90 pounds shows up to the man's room.
He tells her he will pay her $500 to strip naked and get down on all fours.
She does this for him instantly. The man then calls his great dane over
and tells the dog, "See what happens when you don't eat?"
Special joke for Mr Heeley..... Three tomatoes were walking down the street, The Daddy Tomato, the Mommy Tomato and the Baby Tomato. THe baby Tomato was wlking slowly and and stopping to look at every little thing. The daddy tomato, tired of the baby tomato wasting time smashes him flat and says, "catsup!"
Anyways.......
A freind of mine just got a new car and came over to take me for a drive.
As we approached a traffic intersection, the stoplight turns red. He floors the accelerator and runs the red light. I asked, "Why did you do that?"
He said, "My brother does that and he taught me how to drive".
We drive a few miles further we come to another red light and again, he runs it. I said,"Dude! What are you doing?" He replies,"My brother does that and he taught me how to drive". So we go a few miles further and approach another traffic signal. This time the light turns green. My friend
slams on the brakes and comes to a complete stop. I said,"the light is green you can go dude". He said, "Yeah I know, but my brother might be coming the other way".
A businessman with a Great Dane checks into a hotel. The clerk tells him
that he can get the businessman whatever he wants...dope...women...whatever.
A few hours go by and the businessman calls the desk clerk. He says,'" I need a woman. She needs to be six and a half feet tall and weigh no more than 90 pounds". The desk clerk says,"No problemo dude"' and in an hour a
woman, 6'-6" tall weighing 90 pounds shows up to the man's room.
He tells her he will pay her $500 to strip naked and get down on all fours.
She does this for him instantly. The man then calls his great dane over
and tells the dog, "See what happens when you don't eat?"
Special joke for Mr Heeley..... Three tomatoes were walking down the street, The Daddy Tomato, the Mommy Tomato and the Baby Tomato. THe baby Tomato was wlking slowly and and stopping to look at every little thing. The daddy tomato, tired of the baby tomato wasting time smashes him flat and says, "catsup!"
(Blackout)
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by Blackout
I overheard Racer Y's wife yelling at him, "Honey, could you move the transmission, I wanna take a bath!!!"
I just found about 15 cars yesterday, I was feeling nice and mowed Nighthawk's lawn for him 
Ah, why thank you, 96 GTS, I was wondering where my dog had gone to.
Two engineers need to get a box of bead material (ie, looks like styrofoam beads) from a bulk storage bag. They walk under the storage bags and realize they can't pull the box directly up to the bag. So they clean out a garbage can, fill it, and walk 50 feet to dump it in the box. They do this about 10 times until the box is full. The following day, one of the production workers in the engineering department needs to refill the same box from the same location. He walks under the storage bags, sees a 30 pound box of material in the way, pushes it 3 feet out of the way and pulls his box right up to the storage bag and fills the box directly.
Not a joke, this was me and my engineering boss. It's funny how engineers will complicate such a simple task. All I had to do is move a box 3 feet and I eliminated the 10 trips with the garbage can tripping over all the piping to the box that needed filling.
Two engineers need to get a box of bead material (ie, looks like styrofoam beads) from a bulk storage bag. They walk under the storage bags and realize they can't pull the box directly up to the bag. So they clean out a garbage can, fill it, and walk 50 feet to dump it in the box. They do this about 10 times until the box is full. The following day, one of the production workers in the engineering department needs to refill the same box from the same location. He walks under the storage bags, sees a 30 pound box of material in the way, pushes it 3 feet out of the way and pulls his box right up to the storage bag and fills the box directly.
Not a joke, this was me and my engineering boss. It's funny how engineers will complicate such a simple task. All I had to do is move a box 3 feet and I eliminated the 10 trips with the garbage can tripping over all the piping to the box that needed filling.
HELP WANTED:
individuals needed to bait hooks for fishermen. No experience
necessary. Start as an apprentice Baiter and work your way up
to Master Baiter.
To apply, come in person..........
individuals needed to bait hooks for fishermen. No experience
necessary. Start as an apprentice Baiter and work your way up
to Master Baiter.
To apply, come in person..........
There's a tribe deep in the Tuktyuktuk jungle. The tribe's chief builds himself a bamboo throne and has several men help him get it up into his grass hut on stilts. One of the other tribesmen is jealous and goes out into the jungle to find a large boulder. He spends weeks carving and chipping away at it. Finally his throne is completed. He gets every man in the tribe to help him bring it back to the village and lift it up into his grass hut. The hut collapses under the weight almost immediately.
The moral of the story: people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones
speedfreak227
edit: my engineering friends and i at school now use Brazilians as a power of 10. brilliant
The moral of the story: people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones
speedfreak227
edit: my engineering friends and i at school now use Brazilians as a power of 10. brilliant
Couple of dirty ones:
How do you know if a man is sexually aroused?
He is breathing
A man goes to see doctor because his testicles are blue in color. The doc says they need to be removed in a surgery before it spreads anywhere else in his body. They made the operation the next day and after few days the man got home.
Some days later he notices that the "other part" is getting that blue color as well, so he goes to see the doctor again. Again they agree to remove the blue part and the operation is going to take place the next day. So the man calls to few his buddies and they decide to go drinking to make the man feel little better. Too bad he wakes up too late in the next morning and notices that the he is 6 hours late.
So he runs to the clinic, still hoping to get to the surgery. He asks a nurse if doctor is still there. Nurse says that the surgery has been cancelled. The man asks, why?
And the nurse replies: "There is a new clothing shop that sells boxer shorts, which may leave some blue color on your your skin."
"A GTR simmer" is going to Spain and he has to fill a form:
Nombre: G.T.R. Simmer
Elad: 20 years
Nacionalidad: American
Sexo: once
What is green, smells like Monica Lewinsky and has four legs?
The pool table in white house
Alcohol can be drank in three ways: With water like the swedes, without water like the russians or like water (finns).
How do you know if a man is sexually aroused?
He is breathing
A man goes to see doctor because his testicles are blue in color. The doc says they need to be removed in a surgery before it spreads anywhere else in his body. They made the operation the next day and after few days the man got home.
Some days later he notices that the "other part" is getting that blue color as well, so he goes to see the doctor again. Again they agree to remove the blue part and the operation is going to take place the next day. So the man calls to few his buddies and they decide to go drinking to make the man feel little better. Too bad he wakes up too late in the next morning and notices that the he is 6 hours late.
So he runs to the clinic, still hoping to get to the surgery. He asks a nurse if doctor is still there. Nurse says that the surgery has been cancelled. The man asks, why?
And the nurse replies: "There is a new clothing shop that sells boxer shorts, which may leave some blue color on your your skin."
"A GTR simmer" is going to Spain and he has to fill a form:
Nombre: G.T.R. Simmer
Elad: 20 years
Nacionalidad: American
Sexo: once
What is green, smells like Monica Lewinsky and has four legs?
The pool table in white house
Alcohol can be drank in three ways: With water like the swedes, without water like the russians or like water (finns).
Paddy goes in to a bar and orders 3 pints.
The bar man pulls his pints and Paddy goes and sits in the corner and drinks them.
When finished, Paddy goes back to the bar and orders another 3 pints.
The bar man does but is a bit confused by it all and says "why don't you just have one at a time, then they will be fresh and cold."
"Ah" Paddy says "you don't understand, I have 2 brothers, 1 in america and 1 in australia and we made a promise that if we were out having a drink we would order 1 drink for each of us, so that makes 3 drinks!"
"I understand" says the bar man "that makes sense!"
This continues for many weeks till one day Paddy comes in and only orders 2 pints.
The bar man, being a quick thinker, steps up and says "My condolenses Paddy, something must have happened to one of your brothers"
"Nah" says Paddy "I've given up the booze!!"
The bar man pulls his pints and Paddy goes and sits in the corner and drinks them.
When finished, Paddy goes back to the bar and orders another 3 pints.
The bar man does but is a bit confused by it all and says "why don't you just have one at a time, then they will be fresh and cold."
"Ah" Paddy says "you don't understand, I have 2 brothers, 1 in america and 1 in australia and we made a promise that if we were out having a drink we would order 1 drink for each of us, so that makes 3 drinks!"
"I understand" says the bar man "that makes sense!"
This continues for many weeks till one day Paddy comes in and only orders 2 pints.
The bar man, being a quick thinker, steps up and says "My condolenses Paddy, something must have happened to one of your brothers"
"Nah" says Paddy "I've given up the booze!!"
A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sob's who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sob's that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".
"And for those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".
"And for those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."
This video is hilarious: Link
Yesterday had mother in law's funeral. Two accordions torn.
Blondes are ,,smart"
Why does a blonde climbs up over a glass wall? To see what's on the other side of it...
____________________
An officer stops a vehicle, introduces himself.You are the only one who made this range without any mistakes. Here you go your prize - 100 dollars.Driver: Wow! Now i can buy my driver's license finally! What?? You don't have a drivers license?? - said the shocked offficer. Don't listen to him. Drunk people say many strage things. - said drivers wife in a passenger seat.Officer: So you are also drunk!?!?. Oh hell, i knew we wouldn't go far with a stolen car - said the drivers mother-in-law.Suddenly a whisper from the trunk: did we crossed the border yet?.
Sorry if it was not funny
____________________
An officer stops a vehicle, introduces himself.You are the only one who made this range without any mistakes. Here you go your prize - 100 dollars.Driver: Wow! Now i can buy my driver's license finally! What?? You don't have a drivers license?? - said the shocked offficer. Don't listen to him. Drunk people say many strage things. - said drivers wife in a passenger seat.Officer: So you are also drunk!?!?. Oh hell, i knew we wouldn't go far with a stolen car - said the drivers mother-in-law.Suddenly a whisper from the trunk: did we crossed the border yet?.
Sorry if it was not funny
also @ Highsider9
Three men walk into a bar...
the middle one falls down
(one of those retarded jokes that you ACTUALLY have to think about lol)
the middle one falls down
(one of those retarded jokes that you ACTUALLY have to think about lol)
Or: Two men walk on a bridge and the one in the middle is carrying a box
A man walks into a bar and asks for 6 whiskeys, the barman pours all 6 and watches the man drink the 1st, 3rd and 5th but leaves the others. THen again the man orders another 6 drinking the 1st 3rd an 5th. Confused the barman asks why, the man replies "my doctor said i could have the odd drink"
(no offence meant by this but it is funny) why did hitler kill himself?
Because he got the gas bill.
A bra, a brain and a pair of jump leads walk into a bar. The bra and the jump leads sit down while the brain goes the bar. the bar man goes to serve the brain and suddenly notices and says "im not serving any off you" te brain asks "why?" the barman replies "Your off your head, shes off her tits and he looks like he gonna start something"
(no offence meant by this but it is funny) why did hitler kill himself?
Because he got the gas bill.
A bra, a brain and a pair of jump leads walk into a bar. The bra and the jump leads sit down while the brain goes the bar. the bar man goes to serve the brain and suddenly notices and says "im not serving any off you" te brain asks "why?" the barman replies "Your off your head, shes off her tits and he looks like he gonna start something"
hmmm how cool is that ?
http://www.dumpalink.com/media ... 2889/F%FCr_Elise_Scanner_
http://www.dumpalink.com/media ... 2889/F%FCr_Elise_Scanner_
Haha, yeah i still dont see how they did that
Three men, one swedish, one finnish and one norwegian were in zoo. They made a bet that who could stay longest time in an ape cage. Well, first went the norwegian and he came out pretty soon: "the ape smells horribly, you can't be there". Then went the swedish guy and he could stay little longer but came out saying the same thing. Then it was turn for the finnish guy to go there. A short time passed and after a while the ape came out and said that the finnish guy smells so bad that you can't stay there
Uhm, that's the joke...
Uhm, that's the joke...
Few jokes i can remeber on the spot
A bin man is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustbin lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn’t been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can’t see it so he knocks on the door. There’s no answer so he knocks again.
Eventually a little Japanese man answers the door......
‘Harro’
‘Alright mate, where’s your bin?’
‘I bin in the toilet’
‘No mate, where’s your wheelie bin?’
‘OK, I wheelie bin havin’ a wank
-----------------------
a chinese dude goes for an interview and gets the job hes told he is in the warehouse incharge of suplies so he goes to warehouse
a month or so later he hasnt picked up his wages more time passes and the boss goes to the warehouse to see whats going on he goes in its all silent and then sudenly out of a box jumps the china man shouting
!!!!supplies!!!!!
------------------------------------
David Beckham had a near-death experience the other day when he went riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking up and down out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on but it was no good. With his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell head-first to the ground. His head continued to bump on the ground as the horse refused to stop or even slow down.
Fortunately, however, there was a happy ending. Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworth's' manager came along and unplugged it.
A bin man is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustbin lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn’t been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can’t see it so he knocks on the door. There’s no answer so he knocks again.
Eventually a little Japanese man answers the door......
‘Harro’
‘Alright mate, where’s your bin?’
‘I bin in the toilet’
‘No mate, where’s your wheelie bin?’
‘OK, I wheelie bin havin’ a wank
-----------------------
a chinese dude goes for an interview and gets the job hes told he is in the warehouse incharge of suplies so he goes to warehouse
a month or so later he hasnt picked up his wages more time passes and the boss goes to the warehouse to see whats going on he goes in its all silent and then sudenly out of a box jumps the china man shouting
!!!!supplies!!!!!
------------------------------------
David Beckham had a near-death experience the other day when he went riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking up and down out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on but it was no good. With his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell head-first to the ground. His head continued to bump on the ground as the horse refused to stop or even slow down.
Fortunately, however, there was a happy ending. Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworth's' manager came along and unplugged it.
When I was a kid I had a friend named Ted who had a mother that had an uncanny abilty of determining the weight of things by picking them up in
her mouth. we tested this a couple a times. I brought over a goose that weighed 14 pounds. She put the head of the goose in her mouth, bit daown
on the neck and lifted of the ground. When she put it down, she correctly stated thart the bird weigherd 14 pounds! the next week I came over with a hammer that I knew weighed 2 pounds. She put the the end of the hammer in her mouth, took it out a again she correctly said it's weight was 2 pounds!
A month goes by and I had to send a package through the mail. I didn't know it's weight so I went to Ted's house to get his mom to weigh it so I could get a good idea as to what the postage was going to cost. When I got there, I asked Ted where his mom was. He said his dad threw her out when he came home from work early and caught her weighing the plumber..............
her mouth. we tested this a couple a times. I brought over a goose that weighed 14 pounds. She put the head of the goose in her mouth, bit daown
on the neck and lifted of the ground. When she put it down, she correctly stated thart the bird weigherd 14 pounds! the next week I came over with a hammer that I knew weighed 2 pounds. She put the the end of the hammer in her mouth, took it out a again she correctly said it's weight was 2 pounds!
A month goes by and I had to send a package through the mail. I didn't know it's weight so I went to Ted's house to get his mom to weigh it so I could get a good idea as to what the postage was going to cost. When I got there, I asked Ted where his mom was. He said his dad threw her out when he came home from work early and caught her weighing the plumber..............
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It's only funny because it's True.
Car for Sale: UF 1000 (schofei)
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by schofei
ROFL
Post all jokes!!!
(57 posts, started )
FGED GREDG RDFGDR GSFDG