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The transcript for ITV’s ‘2007 SANTANDER LEWIS HAMILTON BRITISH GRAND PRIX at Silverstone’….
Steve Rider: Good afternoon and welcome to Silverstone where yesterday Lewis Hamilton stunned the crowds here by putting his McLaren fourth on the grid, despite only having some tyres from an old Mini Cooper thanks to a mix up in the Bridgestone technical department. Unsurprisingly, the turnout here is a massive 120,000 people all eager to see what Lewis Hamilton can do with some proper tyres, and they might be in for treat here today because the forecast is for rain and we all know what that means don’t we Mark?
Mark ‘Cockney Geezer’ Blundell: Gawd blimey guvnor, we certainly do.
SR: We might get to see Lewis Hamilton walking on water today.
MB: (Chuckles) We might just do that Steve, he just needs to keep his head on his shoulders and pull more out of the car than what it might be capable of.
SR: Of course Lewis Hamilton comes off the back of an incredible performance yesterday on what were undoubtedly the wrong tyres.
MB: (Winces) Well Steve, I think there’s going to be an internal investigation at both McLaren and Bridgestone as to how them tyres got on Lewis’ car. As a racing driver the last thing you need to see is tyres off an old Mini Cooper being bolted onto your car in the third session, it don’t give you no confidence in what the car can do.
SR: Quite. I spoke to Martin Whitmarsh earlier about that and he said that head Ferarri honcho Jean Todt had been seen entering the Bridgestone motor home just seconds before the third session, so read into that what you will. Well, we’ve got a packed programme for you today, the race kicks off in four hours time, but before that we have an extended programme for you in which I’ll be talking to Lewis Hamilton about his first six months in Formula One, his car, his team-mate, Ron Dennis, his karting days, his helmet, his Dad and how his Dad used to work twenty seven hours a day to finance Lewis’ racing career. I’ll also be talking to Lewis’ father Anthony about Lewis’ first six months in Formula One, Lewis’ helmet, Lewis’ karting days, Ron Dennis, Fernando Alonso and how he used to work twenty eight hours a day to finance Lewis racing career. But first Louise caught up with another plucky Brit, Anthony Davidson…
Louise Goodman: Thanks Steve, well I’m down here in the Super Aguri garage with Anthony Davidson, who’s ever so small actually, he’s like a little dwarf, I mean I’m only 5ft 3” and he’s way smaller than me, he’s tiny, in fact he’s so small I could lose him in my cleavage! Anthony, it’s not looking to good for you in your home race today is it?
Ant Davidson: No, well I put a wheel on the grass and hit the wall at 170mph and the car’s in a big heap with the wheels hanging off so it’s not looking great no.
LG: Still, nobody’s really here to see you are they. What do you think Lewis can do from fourth on the grid?
AD: I think he’s got a good chance, I mean he’s got the best car out there, which Alonso has proved by putting it on pole so….
LG: So will you be routing for Lewis today. I mean he’s a phenomenon isn’t he?
AD: I don’t think so really, give me a go in that McLaren and I’ll show you a phenomenon. It’s all very well him swanning in, picking up the best car and leading the championship. When I got my first chance it was in a Minardi and then I had to do three years of testing for Honda before I got the chance to go to Super Aguri, that’s how you’re supposed to do it. Ask Fernando. He wasn’t born with a silver spoon in his mouth, he drove for Minardi too and now he’s a double World Champion. And he won them against Michael Schumacher didn‘t he, so them Championships have got to be worth more than this one….I remember him and Kimi both saying they wanted to win the Championship before Michael retired for that reason, but you don’t hear that being said much around here any more do you?
LG: Not on ITV anyway.
AD: Quite.
LG: Would you say that you’re quite bitter then Ant?
AD: Not really Louise, I just think that you need to pay your dues and learn your craft from the bottom up.
LG: You mean like you did.
AD: Yes.
LG: Even though all those years of testing and being hailed as the next big thing when you outpaced Sato (mainly because you had more revs and tyres to play with) on Friday’s haven’t really come to fruition seeing as you’re now in a race team with Takuma and he’s basically given you a good spanking all year?
AD: What-ever.
LG: Back to you Steve.
SR: Thanks Louise. What an angry little man he is. I’m sure he has his reasons. So Mark, what do you think will be going through Lewis’ mind as he prepares himself for his first British Grand Prix?
MB: Well I‘m sure he will have got a good night’s sleep and he’ll have woken up this morning eager to get to the circuit and get his muesli down him before the first briefing of the day. I’m not sure how much time he’ll have to think things over because he’s got a lot of commitments today a lot of glad-handing to do, but I’m sure he’ll have thought about his start, whether he’ll be shouting his mouth off about it like he did in France is probably another matter cos that didn’t quite work out for him but Silverstone’s a different animal and he might pull it out of the bag if he gets his head down and puts the boot in.
SR: Right, well it’s competition time here on ITV. This week you could win a chance to watch the2008 Monaco Grand Prix from Lewis Hamilton’s dad Anthony’s boat. Yes, Lewis dad has always been a keen sailor, though how he had the time when he was working twenty nine hours a day to finance Lewis’ career is anybodies guess, so when Lewis’ got his first pay check he bought his Dad a boat and Ted Kapalski’s been to see it.
Ted: Well I’m here on Lewis Hamilton’s dad Anthony’s new boat in Folkestone. Anthony, it’s a little bit smaller than I expected, what is it a twenty footer?
Anthony Hamilton: Twenty-two.
TK: Great well, are you sure there’ll be enough room for our competition winner to watch the Monaco Grand Prix from here.
AH: Yep it’ll be fine, we’ll put the black and white portable on top of the cabin, I get very good reception down here.
TK: Cool. Back to you Steve.
SR: Thanks Ted. And if you want a chance to win that spectacular prize all you have to do is answer this difficult question.
Which current British Formula One driver has so far won two races in his debut year of 2007 and races for the Vodaphone McLaren Mercedes team ?
A) Lewis Hamilton
B) Linda Hamilton
C) Christine Hamilton
D) Nigel Mansell
SR: Come back after the break and we’ll have more in depth insight and the first of my seven interviews with Lewis Hamilton about how his Dad worked thirty hours a day to finance his racing career and how he intends to win the 2007 Santander British Grand Prix from an unlucky fourth on the grid.
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(Music): Da Da Da……………………….
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SR: Welcome back, we’re here at the 2007 Santander British Grand Prix, where yesterday I caught up with Britain’s own Lewis Hamilton.
SR: So it’s been a great start to the year Lewis, two wins and eight straight podiums, leading the World Championship, hailed as the greatest driver of all time by the British press even though Michael Schumacher’s barely cold in his metaphorical grave.
LH: I’m living the dream Steve.
SR: Indeed you are, but I understand Fernando’s not taking it too well.
LH: Fernando and I have a good relationship. And we’ve agreed not to talk about each other when we are not both present.
SR: Well you have anyway, he’s quite happy to talk about you when you’re not around.
LH: Fernando and I have a good relationship, we play video games together.
SR: (Stifles a smirk) Okay then. So tell me about how your Dad worked an incredible thirty one hours a day to get your career off the ground….
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SR: Of course Lewis Hamilton isn’t the only Brit here today. We’ve already spoken to the Angry Ant, so now lets catch up with ‘Old’ David Coulthard and last year’s top Brit Jenson Button. Ted’s been on the case.
TK: So David, you’ve not really made much impression against Mark Webber this year, he’s a bit good isn’t he?
DC: No I don’t think so, the cold hard figures may say that but that’s only half the story. I think I bring a wealth of experience to the team and they appreciate that way more than results.
TK: Splutter! Okay and you Jenson, last year we celebrated your long overdue first Grand Prix victory, but it’s been a hard slog this year.
JB: Well the car’s ****.
TK: Yeah, maybe, so how come Rubens is kicking your backside then?
JB: Well, I think Rubens has had a little more experience than me.
TK: Yep all those years driving those cr*ppy Ferrari’s must be a help huh?
JB: Snort.
TK: So Jenson, you won the Hungarian Grand Prix last year. Were you a bit disappointed to win the most hideous looking trophy of the season or what?
JB: Oh just **** off Ted.
TK: And it’s back to you Steve.
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SR: And now it’s time for Martin’s grid walk.
Martin Brundle: Hello everyone, I’m down here on the grid at Silverstone and I’m with Lewis Hamilton’s boss Ron Dennis. Ron, it’s a big ask for Lewis to win from fourth on the grid with the two Ferrari’s in front of him and Alonso on the pole isn’t it?
Ron Dennis: From the outside it might look that way, but as I’m sure you know Vodaphone McLaren Mercedes have always been very skilful at optimisation of the singular strategic manifestation. So although Lewis might head into the first corner in fourth place I expect him to emerge from the initial round of pitstops in the principal position.
MB: Okay Ron, so from that I take it that Lewis is heavy on fuel.
RD: It would be foolish to assume from my previous comments that I have given any such indication of the optimal strategic principles of the Vodaphone McLaren Mercedes Formula One organization.
MB: Okay, thanks Ron, oh look here’s Jamiroquia.
JK: Hey Martin I just bought another new Ferrari.
MB: Yeah?
JK: Yeah, it’s really fast, like 200mph.
MB: Really. Have you driven it that fast?
JK: No, I just polished it this morning though.
MB: Great. Oh look here’s David Beckham. David, is this your first Grand Prix?
David Beckham: Er, yeah.
MB: So it’s pretty exciting being down here on the grid for Lewis’ first home race, I assume you’re here to cheer for Lewis?
DB: Er, yeah.
MB: So where’s Victoria is she still mucking about in the US trying to get famous?
DB: Er, yeah.
MB: Great, thanks for that, you’re a legend. I’ve just got to go and talk to Kimi. Kimi, you’re on the front row with with Fernando, how have you prepared yourself for this race?
Kimi: Well, I just had a ****.
MB: Great, well that’s about it from down here Steve.
SR: I think you’ve forgotten someone Martin.
MB: No I don’t think so.
SR: But you haven’t interviewed Lewis yet.
MB: Oh for goodness sake, fine I’ll go and tell him to take his helmet off then shall I?
SR: I think the viewers would like to know his thoughts as he head’s off on the formation lap.
MB: Great, perhaps I’ll hang off the side of the ******* car then shall I? Interview him as he goes round?
SR: Excellent idea!
MB: Tw*t.
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James Allen: Hello everyone and welcome to the 2007 Santander British Grand Prix. I’m here with Martin Brundle and in just a few minutes we’ll be watching the start of Lewis Hamilton’s very first British Grand Prix.
MB: Although of course he drove here last year in the GP2 race.
JA: Well yes, okay then, if you want to be pedantic about it.
MB: It’s not a case of being pedantic, it’s a fact.
JA: Yes well anyway, there’s a huge crowd here and thousands of banners supporting Lewis Hamilton. I went and stood on the outside of Stowe yesterday morning and do you know what I saw?
MB: Someone flipping you off from the grandstand?
JA: Well, yes… but also I saw Lewis Hamilton coming through there on the ragged edge, and do you know who it reminded me of Martin?
MB: Andrea de Ceaseris?
JA: No Martin. Not Andrea de Ceaseris. A former McLaren driver actually…
MB: Michael Andretti?
JA: No Martin, not Michael Andretti. With that yellow helmet he reminds me of the late, great Ayrton Senna.
MB: Really.
JA: Yes Martin, really. Because not only is he stupefyingly fast, but he’s also destined to be a legend.
MB: Uh huh, and you’re basing this on what exactly?
JA: His incredible season so far.
MB: Right, so on the strength of eight races in the best car on the grid you’re comparing him to Senna, one of the greatest, if not in many people’s opinion the GREATEST driver of all time. I suppose you’re going to tell me that his two race wins are equal to Michael Schumacher’s seven drivers championships too then?
JA: (Cough, splutter) But he’s had the greatest start to a season ever!
MB: Only just. Do you remember when Jacques Villeneuve came to F1, he stuck it on pole and would have won his first race had it not been for his car springing an oil leak. Look what happened to him.
JA: Yes but, but….
MB: Heads up bell-end the race is starting.
JA: And it’s ………………………………...................................... .................................................. ......GO!
MB: Nicely done (s******).
JA: And they all stream into the first corner, and Lewis Hamilton gets pushed onto the grass by the Ferrari of Felippe Massa.
MB: No it’s Jarno Trulli in the Toyota.
JA: Do you think the stewards will be looking at that one Martin, it looked like dangerous driving I’d say.
MB: Not really, if you try and drive round the outside of someone at 185mph then that’s a risk you have to take.
JA: Yeah but, he could’ve finished Lewis’ race right there.
MB: So, this is racing, that‘s why it‘s called racing.
JA: So the order is Alonso, Massa, Raikkonen, Trulli, Hamilton, Webber, Barrichello, Sato, Heidfeld, Kubica, Albers, Sutil, Button, Rosberg and oh there’s someone off in the third corner….it’s Davidson!
MB: No, it’s Ralf in the Toyota.
JA: Let’s have a look at a replay then.
MB: Yep Ralf tried to drive around the outside of Liuzzi and ran out of road. What an idiot. Why is that guy paid $22M a year exactly?
JA: Well it’s all down to the genius of his former manager Willi Webber.
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JA: Well we’re approaching the first round of pit stops Martin and there hasn’t been one single overtaking manoeuvre yet.
MB: Well, what do you expect, it’s always like this.
JA: So how will McLaren get Lewis to the front, surely they will have to get Alonso to move over and let him through.
MB: Really. Well, firstly James, Lewis would have to actually get behind Alonso and secondly why the hell would Alonso agree to that?
JA: Because Lewis is leading the championship!
MB: Yeah, and who is the reigning Double World Champion again?
JA: Oh….yes well.
MB: ****.
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JA: Button’s out!
MB: No surprise there then, he’s been tooling around at the back all day.
JA: It must seem a long time since that long overdue first win in Hungary for Jenson.
MB: Well yes, but if he’d have honoured his contract and gone to Williams like a good boy he would be better off wouldn’t he. I bet Frank Williams is ******* himself that Jenson paid him so that he could stay at Honda, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
JA: It’s raining!!!!
MB: Never, summertime in Britain, who’d have thought it! Especially as we’ve had nothing but rain and floods for the past month.
JA: And all the cars have streamed into the pits and Lewis is having to queue behind Fernando. LEWIS IS QUEUEING BEHIND FERNANDO, HIS RACE IS BEING COMPROMISED, HIS RACE IS BEING COMPROMISED!!!!
MB: Yeah well, Alonso was leading the race so he was bound to be first in the queue, he was never going to do another lap in that rain.
JA: BUT LEWIS RACE HAS BEEN COMPROMISED!!!
MB: Yeah, so has Kimi’s! It’s tough ****!
JA: But, but, but….
MB: Quick, adverts!
JA: So the order is Alonso, Massa, Trulli, Coulthard, Raikkonen, Hamilton.
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JA: While you were away watching adverts for razor blades Lewis Hamilton has overtaken everyone in a manner that hasn’t been seen since Ayrton Senna at Brands Hatch in 1993. He now leads the field by a whopping twenty eight seconds and is now almost assured of his third Grand Prix win.
MB: Well. That’s not strictly correct is it. As you can see from the replay, Alonso hit a puddle going into Maggots and span the car taking out Massa, Trulli and Coulthard in one go and then Kimi was laughing so hard that he missed his braking point at Bridge and ploughed straight on into the gravel trap, leaving Lewis in a very fortunate first place.
JA: Yes but it was Lewis genius that he didn’t get involved in the accident.
MB: No it was lucky that he wasn’t closer to them or he’d have been off too.
JA: You’re so negative.
MB: No, I’m just not a ****.
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JA: Oh no, oh no, oh no!!!! LEWIS HAS A PROBLEM, he’s slowing down, oh no, it’s a disaster!!!
MB: Lewis is out, which incredibly leaves Barichello in first place in the Honda!
JA: Well who’d have thought we’d ever see that stupid Earth-car winning a race. And who would ever have believed that we’d ever see Rubens winning a race again.
MB: Rubens is a canny fella, he’s won in the rain before, like in Hockeneim when he won his first race from 18th on the grid.
JA: Yes but Rubens has always been the number two in the team.
MB: Why?
JA: Well because he’s not had the success of our own Jenson Button.
MB: Yes he has. He’s won three Constructors titles and about 9 races.
JA: Cough, splutter!!!
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JA: Just one lap remains between Rubens Barichello and his first race win since leaving the Scuderia Ferrari team.
MB: And we have heard that Lewis Hamilton has left the circuit in a big huff.
JA: Surely not.
MB: It ses here!
JA: And Rubens Barichello………………………………............................ .............................WINS!
MB: Surely the biggest surprise since Jenson Button lucked into a win in Hungary last year when Alonso wheel fell off.
JA: Can’t you ever say anything nice.
MB: I speak as I find.
JA: So who’s your driver of the day Martin? Surely Lewis Hamilton is in with a shout?
MB: I would say Scott Speed. He started 21st and finished fourth in a Torro Rosso.
JA: Not Lewis Hamilton?
MB: Nope.
JA: But surely.
MB: What?
JA: But he would have won if his car hadn’t failed!
MB: Yeah but he would have been sixth if all the other cars hadn’t crashed!
JA: Pah.
MB: Pah nothing.
JA: Well all I know is that Ferrari have never been the same since Ross Brawn left.
MB: Oh that’s it, I quit. I just can’t work with this ******* moron anymore.
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JA: And it’s back to Steve Rider and Mark Blundell.
SR: Well a dramatic race and one with an unexpected and somewhat disappointing outcome.
MB: Well Steve, Lewis did everything wot he could, but the cards just weren’t falling for him today, at the end of the day he heads to the next Grand Prix knowing that he coulda won here if the cookies had crumbled in his direction. But that’s Grand Prix racing for you Steve.
SR: But it must be a bitter pill for him to know that his car let him down and that was the only thing that stood between him and a certain victory in his first British Grand Prix.
MB: Yeah, but the lad knows what he’s got going for him and he won’t be crying too many tears over the milk wot got spilt today, he’s still leading the championship and he’s still living the dream.
SR: Well that’s it for now, join us later for our highlights programme where we’ll be discussing at great length why Lewis Hamilton is the greatest driver of all time and how his career is going to **** all over Michael Schumacher’s even though he hasn’t won his first championship yet.
MB: Er Steve, shouldn’t we mention Rubens?
SR: Nah, nobody’s interested.
SR + MB: Goodbye!
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The transcript for ITV’s ‘2007 SANTANDER LEWIS HAMILTON BRITISH GRAND PRIX at Silverstone’….
Steve Rider: Good afternoon and welcome to Silverstone where yesterday Lewis Hamilton stunned the crowds here by putting his McLaren fourth on the grid, despite only having some tyres from an old Mini Cooper thanks to a mix up in the Bridgestone technical department. Unsurprisingly, the turnout here is a massive 120,000 people all eager to see what Lewis Hamilton can do with some proper tyres, and they might be in for treat here today because the forecast is for rain and we all know what that means don’t we Mark?
Mark ‘Cockney Geezer’ Blundell: Gawd blimey guvnor, we certainly do.
SR: We might get to see Lewis Hamilton walking on water today.
MB: (Chuckles) We might just do that Steve, he just needs to keep his head on his shoulders and pull more out of the car than what it might be capable of.
SR: Of course Lewis Hamilton comes off the back of an incredible performance yesterday on what were undoubtedly the wrong tyres.
MB: (Winces) Well Steve, I think there’s going to be an internal investigation at both McLaren and Bridgestone as to how them tyres got on Lewis’ car. As a racing driver the last thing you need to see is tyres off an old Mini Cooper being bolted onto your car in the third session, it don’t give you no confidence in what the car can do.
SR: Quite. I spoke to Martin Whitmarsh earlier about that and he said that head Ferarri honcho Jean Todt had been seen entering the Bridgestone motor home just seconds before the third session, so read into that what you will. Well, we’ve got a packed programme for you today, the race kicks off in four hours time, but before that we have an extended programme for you in which I’ll be talking to Lewis Hamilton about his first six months in Formula One, his car, his team-mate, Ron Dennis, his karting days, his helmet, his Dad and how his Dad used to work twenty seven hours a day to finance Lewis’ racing career. I’ll also be talking to Lewis’ father Anthony about Lewis’ first six months in Formula One, Lewis’ helmet, Lewis’ karting days, Ron Dennis, Fernando Alonso and how he used to work twenty eight hours a day to finance Lewis racing career. But first Louise caught up with another plucky Brit, Anthony Davidson…
Louise Goodman: Thanks Steve, well I’m down here in the Super Aguri garage with Anthony Davidson, who’s ever so small actually, he’s like a little dwarf, I mean I’m only 5ft 3” and he’s way smaller than me, he’s tiny, in fact he’s so small I could lose him in my cleavage! Anthony, it’s not looking to good for you in your home race today is it?
Ant Davidson: No, well I put a wheel on the grass and hit the wall at 170mph and the car’s in a big heap with the wheels hanging off so it’s not looking great no.
LG: Still, nobody’s really here to see you are they. What do you think Lewis can do from fourth on the grid?
AD: I think he’s got a good chance, I mean he’s got the best car out there, which Alonso has proved by putting it on pole so….
LG: So will you be routing for Lewis today. I mean he’s a phenomenon isn’t he?
AD: I don’t think so really, give me a go in that McLaren and I’ll show you a phenomenon. It’s all very well him swanning in, picking up the best car and leading the championship. When I got my first chance it was in a Minardi and then I had to do three years of testing for Honda before I got the chance to go to Super Aguri, that’s how you’re supposed to do it. Ask Fernando. He wasn’t born with a silver spoon in his mouth, he drove for Minardi too and now he’s a double World Champion. And he won them against Michael Schumacher didn‘t he, so them Championships have got to be worth more than this one….I remember him and Kimi both saying they wanted to win the Championship before Michael retired for that reason, but you don’t hear that being said much around here any more do you?
LG: Not on ITV anyway.
AD: Quite.
LG: Would you say that you’re quite bitter then Ant?
AD: Not really Louise, I just think that you need to pay your dues and learn your craft from the bottom up.
LG: You mean like you did.
AD: Yes.
LG: Even though all those years of testing and being hailed as the next big thing when you outpaced Sato (mainly because you had more revs and tyres to play with) on Friday’s haven’t really come to fruition seeing as you’re now in a race team with Takuma and he’s basically given you a good spanking all year?
AD: What-ever.
LG: Back to you Steve.
SR: Thanks Louise. What an angry little man he is. I’m sure he has his reasons. So Mark, what do you think will be going through Lewis’ mind as he prepares himself for his first British Grand Prix?
MB: Well I‘m sure he will have got a good night’s sleep and he’ll have woken up this morning eager to get to the circuit and get his muesli down him before the first briefing of the day. I’m not sure how much time he’ll have to think things over because he’s got a lot of commitments today a lot of glad-handing to do, but I’m sure he’ll have thought about his start, whether he’ll be shouting his mouth off about it like he did in France is probably another matter cos that didn’t quite work out for him but Silverstone’s a different animal and he might pull it out of the bag if he gets his head down and puts the boot in.
SR: Right, well it’s competition time here on ITV. This week you could win a chance to watch the2008 Monaco Grand Prix from Lewis Hamilton’s dad Anthony’s boat. Yes, Lewis dad has always been a keen sailor, though how he had the time when he was working twenty nine hours a day to finance Lewis’ career is anybodies guess, so when Lewis’ got his first pay check he bought his Dad a boat and Ted Kapalski’s been to see it.
Ted: Well I’m here on Lewis Hamilton’s dad Anthony’s new boat in Folkestone. Anthony, it’s a little bit smaller than I expected, what is it a twenty footer?
Anthony Hamilton: Twenty-two.
TK: Great well, are you sure there’ll be enough room for our competition winner to watch the Monaco Grand Prix from here.
AH: Yep it’ll be fine, we’ll put the black and white portable on top of the cabin, I get very good reception down here.
TK: Cool. Back to you Steve.
SR: Thanks Ted. And if you want a chance to win that spectacular prize all you have to do is answer this difficult question.
Which current British Formula One driver has so far won two races in his debut year of 2007 and races for the Vodaphone McLaren Mercedes team ?
A) Lewis Hamilton
B) Linda Hamilton
C) Christine Hamilton
D) Nigel Mansell
SR: Come back after the break and we’ll have more in depth insight and the first of my seven interviews with Lewis Hamilton about how his Dad worked thirty hours a day to finance his racing career and how he intends to win the 2007 Santander British Grand Prix from an unlucky fourth on the grid.
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SR: Welcome back, we’re here at the 2007 Santander British Grand Prix, where yesterday I caught up with Britain’s own Lewis Hamilton.
SR: So it’s been a great start to the year Lewis, two wins and eight straight podiums, leading the World Championship, hailed as the greatest driver of all time by the British press even though Michael Schumacher’s barely cold in his metaphorical grave.
LH: I’m living the dream Steve.
SR: Indeed you are, but I understand Fernando’s not taking it too well.
LH: Fernando and I have a good relationship. And we’ve agreed not to talk about each other when we are not both present.
SR: Well you have anyway, he’s quite happy to talk about you when you’re not around.
LH: Fernando and I have a good relationship, we play video games together.
SR: (Stifles a smirk) Okay then. So tell me about how your Dad worked an incredible thirty one hours a day to get your career off the ground….
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SR: Of course Lewis Hamilton isn’t the only Brit here today. We’ve already spoken to the Angry Ant, so now lets catch up with ‘Old’ David Coulthard and last year’s top Brit Jenson Button. Ted’s been on the case.
TK: So David, you’ve not really made much impression against Mark Webber this year, he’s a bit good isn’t he?
DC: No I don’t think so, the cold hard figures may say that but that’s only half the story. I think I bring a wealth of experience to the team and they appreciate that way more than results.
TK: Splutter! Okay and you Jenson, last year we celebrated your long overdue first Grand Prix victory, but it’s been a hard slog this year.
JB: Well the car’s ****.
TK: Yeah, maybe, so how come Rubens is kicking your backside then?
JB: Well, I think Rubens has had a little more experience than me.
TK: Yep all those years driving those cr*ppy Ferrari’s must be a help huh?
JB: Snort.
TK: So Jenson, you won the Hungarian Grand Prix last year. Were you a bit disappointed to win the most hideous looking trophy of the season or what?
JB: Oh just **** off Ted.
TK: And it’s back to you Steve.
SR: Blah blah blah blah blah Lewis Hamilton blah blah blah
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SR: Blah blah blah blah blah Lewis Hamilton’s dad Anthony blah blah blah
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SR: Blah blah blah blah blah Lewis Hamilton blah blah blah
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SR: Blah blah blah blah blah Lewis Hamilton blah blah blah
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SR: Blah blah blah blah blah Lewis Hamilton’s dad Anthony worked thirty two hours a day doing eight different jobs to finance his son’s racing career blah blah blah
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SR: And now it’s time for Martin’s grid walk.
Martin Brundle: Hello everyone, I’m down here on the grid at Silverstone and I’m with Lewis Hamilton’s boss Ron Dennis. Ron, it’s a big ask for Lewis to win from fourth on the grid with the two Ferrari’s in front of him and Alonso on the pole isn’t it?
Ron Dennis: From the outside it might look that way, but as I’m sure you know Vodaphone McLaren Mercedes have always been very skilful at optimisation of the singular strategic manifestation. So although Lewis might head into the first corner in fourth place I expect him to emerge from the initial round of pitstops in the principal position.
MB: Okay Ron, so from that I take it that Lewis is heavy on fuel.
RD: It would be foolish to assume from my previous comments that I have given any such indication of the optimal strategic principles of the Vodaphone McLaren Mercedes Formula One organization.
MB: Okay, thanks Ron, oh look here’s Jamiroquia.
JK: Hey Martin I just bought another new Ferrari.
MB: Yeah?
JK: Yeah, it’s really fast, like 200mph.
MB: Really. Have you driven it that fast?
JK: No, I just polished it this morning though.
MB: Great. Oh look here’s David Beckham. David, is this your first Grand Prix?
David Beckham: Er, yeah.
MB: So it’s pretty exciting being down here on the grid for Lewis’ first home race, I assume you’re here to cheer for Lewis?
DB: Er, yeah.
MB: So where’s Victoria is she still mucking about in the US trying to get famous?
DB: Er, yeah.
MB: Great, thanks for that, you’re a legend. I’ve just got to go and talk to Kimi. Kimi, you’re on the front row with with Fernando, how have you prepared yourself for this race?
Kimi: Well, I just had a ****.
MB: Great, well that’s about it from down here Steve.
SR: I think you’ve forgotten someone Martin.
MB: No I don’t think so.
SR: But you haven’t interviewed Lewis yet.
MB: Oh for goodness sake, fine I’ll go and tell him to take his helmet off then shall I?
SR: I think the viewers would like to know his thoughts as he head’s off on the formation lap.
MB: Great, perhaps I’ll hang off the side of the ******* car then shall I? Interview him as he goes round?
SR: Excellent idea!
MB: Tw*t.
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(Music) Da da da………..
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James Allen: Hello everyone and welcome to the 2007 Santander British Grand Prix. I’m here with Martin Brundle and in just a few minutes we’ll be watching the start of Lewis Hamilton’s very first British Grand Prix.
MB: Although of course he drove here last year in the GP2 race.
JA: Well yes, okay then, if you want to be pedantic about it.
MB: It’s not a case of being pedantic, it’s a fact.
JA: Yes well anyway, there’s a huge crowd here and thousands of banners supporting Lewis Hamilton. I went and stood on the outside of Stowe yesterday morning and do you know what I saw?
MB: Someone flipping you off from the grandstand?
JA: Well, yes… but also I saw Lewis Hamilton coming through there on the ragged edge, and do you know who it reminded me of Martin?
MB: Andrea de Ceaseris?
JA: No Martin. Not Andrea de Ceaseris. A former McLaren driver actually…
MB: Michael Andretti?
JA: No Martin, not Michael Andretti. With that yellow helmet he reminds me of the late, great Ayrton Senna.
MB: Really.
JA: Yes Martin, really. Because not only is he stupefyingly fast, but he’s also destined to be a legend.
MB: Uh huh, and you’re basing this on what exactly?
JA: His incredible season so far.
MB: Right, so on the strength of eight races in the best car on the grid you’re comparing him to Senna, one of the greatest, if not in many people’s opinion the GREATEST driver of all time. I suppose you’re going to tell me that his two race wins are equal to Michael Schumacher’s seven drivers championships too then?
JA: (Cough, splutter) But he’s had the greatest start to a season ever!
MB: Only just. Do you remember when Jacques Villeneuve came to F1, he stuck it on pole and would have won his first race had it not been for his car springing an oil leak. Look what happened to him.
JA: Yes but, but….
MB: Heads up bell-end the race is starting.
JA: And it’s ………………………………...................................... .................................................. ......GO!
MB: Nicely done (s******).
JA: And they all stream into the first corner, and Lewis Hamilton gets pushed onto the grass by the Ferrari of Felippe Massa.
MB: No it’s Jarno Trulli in the Toyota.
JA: Do you think the stewards will be looking at that one Martin, it looked like dangerous driving I’d say.
MB: Not really, if you try and drive round the outside of someone at 185mph then that’s a risk you have to take.
JA: Yeah but, he could’ve finished Lewis’ race right there.
MB: So, this is racing, that‘s why it‘s called racing.
JA: So the order is Alonso, Massa, Raikkonen, Trulli, Hamilton, Webber, Barrichello, Sato, Heidfeld, Kubica, Albers, Sutil, Button, Rosberg and oh there’s someone off in the third corner….it’s Davidson!
MB: No, it’s Ralf in the Toyota.
JA: Let’s have a look at a replay then.
MB: Yep Ralf tried to drive around the outside of Liuzzi and ran out of road. What an idiot. Why is that guy paid $22M a year exactly?
JA: Well it’s all down to the genius of his former manager Willi Webber.
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JA: Well we’re approaching the first round of pit stops Martin and there hasn’t been one single overtaking manoeuvre yet.
MB: Well, what do you expect, it’s always like this.
JA: So how will McLaren get Lewis to the front, surely they will have to get Alonso to move over and let him through.
MB: Really. Well, firstly James, Lewis would have to actually get behind Alonso and secondly why the hell would Alonso agree to that?
JA: Because Lewis is leading the championship!
MB: Yeah, and who is the reigning Double World Champion again?
JA: Oh….yes well.
MB: ****.
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JA: Button’s out!
MB: No surprise there then, he’s been tooling around at the back all day.
JA: It must seem a long time since that long overdue first win in Hungary for Jenson.
MB: Well yes, but if he’d have honoured his contract and gone to Williams like a good boy he would be better off wouldn’t he. I bet Frank Williams is ******* himself that Jenson paid him so that he could stay at Honda, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
JA: It’s raining!!!!
MB: Never, summertime in Britain, who’d have thought it! Especially as we’ve had nothing but rain and floods for the past month.
JA: And all the cars have streamed into the pits and Lewis is having to queue behind Fernando. LEWIS IS QUEUEING BEHIND FERNANDO, HIS RACE IS BEING COMPROMISED, HIS RACE IS BEING COMPROMISED!!!!
MB: Yeah well, Alonso was leading the race so he was bound to be first in the queue, he was never going to do another lap in that rain.
JA: BUT LEWIS RACE HAS BEEN COMPROMISED!!!
MB: Yeah, so has Kimi’s! It’s tough ****!
JA: But, but, but….
MB: Quick, adverts!
JA: So the order is Alonso, Massa, Trulli, Coulthard, Raikkonen, Hamilton.
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(MUSIC) Da da da…..
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JA: While you were away watching adverts for razor blades Lewis Hamilton has overtaken everyone in a manner that hasn’t been seen since Ayrton Senna at Brands Hatch in 1993. He now leads the field by a whopping twenty eight seconds and is now almost assured of his third Grand Prix win.
MB: Well. That’s not strictly correct is it. As you can see from the replay, Alonso hit a puddle going into Maggots and span the car taking out Massa, Trulli and Coulthard in one go and then Kimi was laughing so hard that he missed his braking point at Bridge and ploughed straight on into the gravel trap, leaving Lewis in a very fortunate first place.
JA: Yes but it was Lewis genius that he didn’t get involved in the accident.
MB: No it was lucky that he wasn’t closer to them or he’d have been off too.
JA: You’re so negative.
MB: No, I’m just not a ****.
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JA: Blah, blah, blah , Lewis’ driving in the rain is reminiscent of the Regenmeister, Michael Schumacher, blah, blah, blah, blah…
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JA: Oh no, oh no, oh no!!!! LEWIS HAS A PROBLEM, he’s slowing down, oh no, it’s a disaster!!!
MB: Lewis is out, which incredibly leaves Barichello in first place in the Honda!
JA: Well who’d have thought we’d ever see that stupid Earth-car winning a race. And who would ever have believed that we’d ever see Rubens winning a race again.
MB: Rubens is a canny fella, he’s won in the rain before, like in Hockeneim when he won his first race from 18th on the grid.
JA: Yes but Rubens has always been the number two in the team.
MB: Why?
JA: Well because he’s not had the success of our own Jenson Button.
MB: Yes he has. He’s won three Constructors titles and about 9 races.
JA: Cough, splutter!!!
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JA: Just one lap remains between Rubens Barichello and his first race win since leaving the Scuderia Ferrari team.
MB: And we have heard that Lewis Hamilton has left the circuit in a big huff.
JA: Surely not.
MB: It ses here!
JA: And Rubens Barichello………………………………............................ .............................WINS!
MB: Surely the biggest surprise since Jenson Button lucked into a win in Hungary last year when Alonso wheel fell off.
JA: Can’t you ever say anything nice.
MB: I speak as I find.
JA: So who’s your driver of the day Martin? Surely Lewis Hamilton is in with a shout?
MB: I would say Scott Speed. He started 21st and finished fourth in a Torro Rosso.
JA: Not Lewis Hamilton?
MB: Nope.
JA: But surely.
MB: What?
JA: But he would have won if his car hadn’t failed!
MB: Yeah but he would have been sixth if all the other cars hadn’t crashed!
JA: Pah.
MB: Pah nothing.
JA: Well all I know is that Ferrari have never been the same since Ross Brawn left.
MB: Oh that’s it, I quit. I just can’t work with this ******* moron anymore.
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JA: And it’s back to Steve Rider and Mark Blundell.
SR: Well a dramatic race and one with an unexpected and somewhat disappointing outcome.
MB: Well Steve, Lewis did everything wot he could, but the cards just weren’t falling for him today, at the end of the day he heads to the next Grand Prix knowing that he coulda won here if the cookies had crumbled in his direction. But that’s Grand Prix racing for you Steve.
SR: But it must be a bitter pill for him to know that his car let him down and that was the only thing that stood between him and a certain victory in his first British Grand Prix.
MB: Yeah, but the lad knows what he’s got going for him and he won’t be crying too many tears over the milk wot got spilt today, he’s still leading the championship and he’s still living the dream.
SR: Well that’s it for now, join us later for our highlights programme where we’ll be discussing at great length why Lewis Hamilton is the greatest driver of all time and how his career is going to **** all over Michael Schumacher’s even though he hasn’t won his first championship yet.
MB: Er Steve, shouldn’t we mention Rubens?
SR: Nah, nobody’s interested.
SR + MB: Goodbye!
which kind of makes me lose respect for him. Also, from what I hear, he doesn't do whats "required" of him with Ferrari.
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