lol sorry for digging up such an old topic, but i got a chuckle out of what my uncle sent me this morning:

Quote :

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on
something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

These Rednecks were taking a trip by plane to visit their cousin in LA.
They had never been on a plane before, so it was all new to them.
Their flight was on one a them four engine jet planes. Well, they were off the ground and in the air flying when the pilot announced on the intercom that
engine one had failed and since it failed, the flight was going to be delayed
one hour. After a while, the pilot says on the intercom that engine two
had failed and the flight was going to be delayed by another hour. About
30 minutes later, the pilot announced that engine three had also failed
and the flight was going to be delayed another hour. Well the plane eventually arrives at LAX - three hours late. When they see their cousin, they explain what happened to the flight with the engines going out and making them late.
One redneck also added, " It was a good thing engine four didn't fail, We'd a been up there all day if that happened".

I did your mom... (laid her)
a favor...
and made you...
a sandwhich.

very hard to understand.

The blonde asks her husband for help with the jigsaw she's struggling with. Without moving over to her he asks "what's the picture on the front of the box?" "A tiger" she replies. "Go and put the frosties back in the cupboard love" he says.

rofl

Though it's somewhat sad that I laughed (poor blondies)

This has got to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It appeared in The Otago Daily Times. South Island NZ.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE

Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your Ute, hunting, camping and Duck shooting, cosy nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (03) 475-6420 and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Otago branch of the RSPCA about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever. Men are so easy.

lol that is hilarious doorman!