Quote from Bawbag :

I guess the joke is made worse by Nikis signature allready having that joke in it......

not really sure whats your point :P
but i posted my signature way before that guy posted that post

and ya chuck norris lost only fight in his life from bruce lee, but that's cuz he had no beard there, that's his secrete weapon, now he has it again, so bruce lee has no chance to do it again

Quote from Bawbag :

I guess the joke is made worse by Nikis signature allready having that joke in it......

I have no clue what you are talking about.

Quote from N I K I :

and ya chuck norris lost only fight in his life from bruce lee, but that's cuz he had no beard there, that's his secrete weapon, now he has it again, so bruce lee has no chance to do it again

Of course Bruce Lee wouldn't do it again, he's dead lol. Chuck Norris will never be better than Bruce Lee

A mushroom walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink, the bartender then immediately calls his psychiatrist and tells him that he is hallucinating.

Quote from Gills4life :

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Quote from N I K I :

not really sure whats your point :P
but i posted my signature way before that guy posted that post

and ya chuck norris lost only fight in his life from bruce lee, but that's cuz he had no beard there, that's his secrete weapon, now he has it again, so bruce lee has no chance to do it again

Quote from Gills4life :

I have no clue what you are talking about.

Niki, maybe you should realise that the whole point in what I said was because you allready had the same joke in your signature and that I was slagging Gills for posting it right underneath yours without noticing, da?

The quote is a lie!

Quote from Gills4life :

The quote is a lie!

stop being so immature with that emoticon.. you're acting like a little kid..

A husbands turns to his wife one day and asks "why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"
She replies with "I don't like phoning you when you're at work."

Quote from mickyc30 :

stop being so immature with that emoticon.. you're acting like a little kid..

Now that really was a bad joke. Grats.

woooh, do i win the thread? or the internet?

You win two days outside, congratulations.

really? but I was outside today.. and yesterday... hmm... on a lighter note, i just played a single call of duty world at war nazi zombie game for 3.5 hours straight! I'm now the world record holder for the highest round

Does anyone else think the whole Chuck Norris thing wasn't even nearly funny the first time, all those years ago?

I'm far better than chuck norris anyway...

Quote from Syfoon :

Does anyone else think the whole Chuck Norris thing wasn't even nearly funny the first time, all those years ago?

Yes.

It's almost worse than Rick Rolls.

I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.
I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to **** the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a shit on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.

Let's see Crimewatch stage a reconstruction of that.

Quote from mookie427 :

I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.
I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to **** the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a shit on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.

Let's see Crimewatch stage a reconstruction of that.

Hilarious but also provokes a hilarious question.

This one time, my car broke down in the middle of nowhere. Several hours later, a car pulled up and out got Chuck Norris. Without a word, he urinated in the gas tank, and left. The car has since done 13,000 miles and I have yet to refill it...

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You Mongrel!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, " You Mongrel!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Teddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"
Teddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that Mongrel. And every time I asked to borrow a spanner, he said he " didn't have one!"

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a ..Who has more testicles? contest.. Chuck Norris won by 5.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Gotta love the Chuck Norris jokes

how do you catch a rabbit? you make a carrot sound
how do you make a carrot sound? you catch a rabbit

I got sick and tired of my wife constantly smoking in the house, so when her birthday came around I bought her a solid gold Zippo lighter and secretly filled it to the brim with aircraft fuel.

You should have seen her face light up when she used it for the first time.

Hung Chow calls into work and says, ' Hey, I no come work today, I
really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come
work.'

The boss says, ' I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to
my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I
go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.

'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon...You got nice
house.'

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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say "Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "Whats his name?"

Mick replies "Miles from London!"

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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. "Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didnt even know they had mobile phones!"

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An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says "You're not very tight for a Jew!"

She says "Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!"

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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!"

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Paddy walks past a new pub & sees a sign in the window. 'SPECIAL OFFER: Pies 50p, W*nks 10p.'

He couldn't believe his luck. He goes in & sees a stunning blonde barmaid and asks her "Are you the one that gives the w*nks?"

"Yes" she replies

"Well" he says "Wash your f*cking hands i want a pie"

-----------------------------------------


Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on. first nurse says cant let that go 2 waste and rides him, Second nurse does the same, Third nurse hesitates and says she is on her period but does him anyway..! Then the man sits up and the nurses apologise saying they thought he was dead. Man replies saying he was but after 2 jump starts and a blood transfusion he feels better than ever....

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Irishman In America
An Irishman in American spots a sandwich on the ground with wires sticking out it ..

He phones the bomb squad and tells them about the sandwich with wires sticking out of it..

The bomb expert asks "is it ticking" no says the irishman , "it's beef"


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Patient says "Doc, I can't stop singing The green, green grass of home.'"

Doc says "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

Patient says "Is it common?"

Doc says "It's not unusual."


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A mother of two 16 year old blonde daughters had just bought a new house in a new town. So they were buying paint, shades and all that you would need for a new place.
The mother left the house to go shopping. She told the girls that she wanted them to paint the family room but, NOT get any paint on their clothes.
After the mother left the two daughters decided that they should just take off all their clothes to obey their mother. So there they were painting naked when they heard a knock at the door.
So they both went to the door and said "Who is it?"
The reply was " The blind man."
So the two blondes thought ... He's blind, so he won't be able to see us naked. They let him in.
The man said "Nice tits lady, now where do you want the blinds?

Some more....

3 naked men in a sauna, an american,japanese and irishman.they heard a beeping sound,the american touches his arm and says thats my pager, i have a microchip under my skin. next a phone rings and the japanese man lifts his palm to his ear, he says i have a microchip in my hand. the irishman feeling very lowtech went to the toilet and came back with toilet paper hanging from his arse, he says "oh jaysus would you look at that, i,m getting a fax

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Paddy was sitting on a bus when a young blonde started breast feeding her baby. "Come on, eat it all up or I'm going to give it to that man over there," she said.
Ten minutes later she again tried to feed the baby. "Come on.....or mummy is going to give it to that man over there," she said. Paddy just carried on reading his newspaper.
Another ten minutes goes by and the blonde picks the baby up again. "Oh for ****'s sake," says Paddy, "make your f*cking mind up - I was supposed to have got off three stops ago."

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On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his dlck and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.

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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a chicken.' Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a chicken.' He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..' He said with a deep sigh, . . . . . ..'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

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A bloke was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a young lady playing up ahead of him and went over to her and said "Can you please help me, i don't know what hole i'm on".
She told him "You are one hole behind me, i'm on 7; and you are on 6".
He thanked her and carried on playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same woman and went over to her again "I'm sorry to bother you but i'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole i'm on. She told him "You are one hole behind me, i'm on 14; and you are on 13. Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went over to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and chatting he asked her what she did for a living. "I''m in sales". He replied "No kidding so am i, what do you sell?".
She said its too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said "I sell tampons".
The bloke immediately fell to floor laughing his bollocks off.
She said "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but i couldn't fcuking help it. " I sell toilet paper,
I'm still one hole behind you"

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As I booked into a hotel, I said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she says, "It's regular porn, you sick b*****d."

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The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

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Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather S&M style bodice, stiletto's and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask.
he saw me and said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long

The mistress: Ah! Me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... He did not say anything....but we had wild sex all night.

The married one: The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes home from work, opens the door and
says: 'Hey Batman! What's for dinner?'

Moar! Those are great