Burger.
Burger.
Why was Saddam Hussein a virgin?
He was scared that he would open the legs and find bush.
Please apply palm to face.
He was scared that he would open the legs and find bush.
Please apply palm to face.
/headdesk 
OH MY GOD that was terrible.
Now THAT was funny
A lot funnier than the joke...
What goes 'Boo' ?
A cow with a cold
A cow with a cold
When I go to school on Monday, I am going to be super nice to everyone.
I'm trying to beat the record of 30!! (Fingers crossed)
So I plan to take my fully loaded Bubble blaster, as seen above, and have everybody on the ground from how crazily funny and awesome the bubbles that I am firing in their direction are!!
I may donate to charity, assuming I havn't spent it all on popcorn and sherbet for the class, but then I am totally making sure each and every person has one of my world-famous hugs!!
But, it's not over yet, what they won't know is that I have hired 14 mind boggling activity stalls for the younger kids to partake in!
Everybody will notice me and how nice I am once and for all!
I live in UK, Devon and i'm sure it will soon be all over the world news!
*hides*
A young guy from Louisiana moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Sales Manager says, " Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Louisiana ."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
The boss says, "You had just one customer? Our sales people
average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65!!! What the
heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some small fish hooks. Then I sold him some medium fishhooks. Then I sold him
some larger fishhooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat,
so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a
twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his
Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that loaded 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said incredulously, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook....and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK!!!"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife", and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing..."
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Sales Manager says, " Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Louisiana ."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
The boss says, "You had just one customer? Our sales people
average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65!!! What the
heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some small fish hooks. Then I sold him some medium fishhooks. Then I sold him
some larger fishhooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat,
so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a
twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his
Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that loaded 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said incredulously, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook....and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK!!!"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife", and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing..."
^ lolzz!!!!
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
also:
3 rich friends were sitting near the garden. they talked about stuff and then the subject of the talk came to marrige. First one of them said that marrige is 90% fun and 10% hard work
Second said that marrige is 50% fun and 50% hard work
The third one said its 90% hard work and 10% of fun
They could deside witch one so they asked it about the gardnest, he says: its 100% fun. if there was even a little bit of work you wouldve hired someone to do it...
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
also:
3 rich friends were sitting near the garden. they talked about stuff and then the subject of the talk came to marrige. First one of them said that marrige is 90% fun and 10% hard work
Second said that marrige is 50% fun and 50% hard work
The third one said its 90% hard work and 10% of fun
They could deside witch one so they asked it about the gardnest, he says: its 100% fun. if there was even a little bit of work you wouldve hired someone to do it...
" i once ate an art for dummies book _ i shat out a van gough.... "
" It easier to meet girls in park than park meat in girls "
If that's the way you want to go....
Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls can not walk.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways, going to Bangkok.
Man who fight with wife all day, gets no piece at night.
Oral sex make one's whole day, but anal sex make one's hole weak.
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Picture a old couple.
Woman: WHEN WILL YOU UNCLOG THE DRAIN MARK!
Man: Okay give me a sec
Woman: You know what I've been waiting for secs my whole LIFE! No more waiting for secs!
Picture Man giggling
Woman: WHEN WILL YOU UNCLOG THE DRAIN MARK!
Man: Okay give me a sec
Woman: You know what I've been waiting for secs my whole LIFE! No more waiting for secs!
Picture Man giggling
Man with hole in pants feel cocky all day
erm.........
why do women love pink?
because its inbetween their legs allday.
now theirs a sh*t house joke
P.S sorry girls
why do women love pink?
because its inbetween their legs allday.
now theirs a sh*t house joke
P.S sorry girls
Absolute proof that women were designed by a local councillor:
Who else would put a playground next to a shit-hole?
Who else would put a playground next to a shit-hole?
An American Teen??
Heard it before but it's still a good'un
A Scotsman, Irishman and Englishman all worked on a building site.
On the Monday they all thought the other was a great guy so decided to eat lunch together every day that week, so they went and sat on a girder 20 stories off the ground to eat their lunch.
The Scotsman opened his lunchbox and said "hmm hagis n brusel sprouts, lovely" and started munching away with joy.
The Englishman opened his lunchbox and said "hmm roast beef n yorshire pudding, lovely" and started muching away with joy.
The Irishman opened his lunchbox and said "oh blast cheese n pickle sandwhiches, I hate cheese" but grudgingly started to eat.
The next day they all met up on the same girder
The Scotsman opened his lunchbox and said "hmm poached Salmon n new potatoes, lovely" and started munching away with joy.
The Englishman opened his lunchbox and said "hmm Grouse and Safron Rice, lovely" and started muching away with joy.
The Irishman opened his lunchbox and said "oh blast cheese n pickle sandwhiches again, I hate cheese. IF I get cheese one more time I'm going to throw myself off this girder" but grudgingly started to eat.
The next day back they went to the same girder:
The Scotsman opened his lunchbox and said "hmm Rabbit Casserole n Mashed potatoes, lovely" and started munching away with joy.
The Englishman opened his lunchbox and said "hmm Roast Lamb n mint sauce with roast potatoes, lovely" and started muching away with joy.
The Irishman opened his lunchbox and said "oh bejeezus blooody cheese n pickle sandwhiches again !!. That's it I've had enough" and so saying threw himself off the girder and plunged to his death.
An hour later as the ambulance was taking the poor guys body away the three wives were standing together the Scotish & Englishmans wives desperately trying to console the Irishmans wife.. when all of a sudden the Irishmans wife said....
"I just don't understand why he did it, he packs his own lunch every morning!!"
On the Monday they all thought the other was a great guy so decided to eat lunch together every day that week, so they went and sat on a girder 20 stories off the ground to eat their lunch.
The Scotsman opened his lunchbox and said "hmm hagis n brusel sprouts, lovely" and started munching away with joy.
The Englishman opened his lunchbox and said "hmm roast beef n yorshire pudding, lovely" and started muching away with joy.
The Irishman opened his lunchbox and said "oh blast cheese n pickle sandwhiches, I hate cheese" but grudgingly started to eat.
The next day they all met up on the same girder
The Scotsman opened his lunchbox and said "hmm poached Salmon n new potatoes, lovely" and started munching away with joy.
The Englishman opened his lunchbox and said "hmm Grouse and Safron Rice, lovely" and started muching away with joy.
The Irishman opened his lunchbox and said "oh blast cheese n pickle sandwhiches again, I hate cheese. IF I get cheese one more time I'm going to throw myself off this girder" but grudgingly started to eat.
The next day back they went to the same girder:
The Scotsman opened his lunchbox and said "hmm Rabbit Casserole n Mashed potatoes, lovely" and started munching away with joy.
The Englishman opened his lunchbox and said "hmm Roast Lamb n mint sauce with roast potatoes, lovely" and started muching away with joy.
The Irishman opened his lunchbox and said "oh bejeezus blooody cheese n pickle sandwhiches again !!. That's it I've had enough" and so saying threw himself off the girder and plunged to his death.
An hour later as the ambulance was taking the poor guys body away the three wives were standing together the Scotish & Englishmans wives desperately trying to console the Irishmans wife.. when all of a sudden the Irishmans wife said....
"I just don't understand why he did it, he packs his own lunch every morning!!"
Why was Hellen Keller horrible at driving?
she was a woman!
she was a woman!
Why don't over 70s get smear tests? [Warning very bad joke ahead]
Well, have you ever tried to separate a cheese toastie?
Well, have you ever tried to separate a cheese toastie?
please no.... NO !
haha, I heard that with the line 'Why don't women go for a piss first thing in the morning?'
The bad jokes thread
(1536 posts, started )
FGED GREDG RDFGDR GSFDG