Amputee porn.....it's missing something!

I just got sentenced to 15 years for assisted suicide. i should never have given that woman a pass on her driving test.

Quote from Silverracer :

http://www.lfsforum.net/attachment.php?attachmentid=117104&stc=1&d=1315572469

Thank you so much, I really needed this!

Paddy rings his new Girlfriends doorbell with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers & drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls up her skirt, rips her knickers off & says "this is for the flowers." "Don't be ****ing daft" says Paddy, "you must have a vase somewhere."

You guys excited for the new Constipation movie?

I've heard they're struggling to release it.

Quote from Gills4life :

You guys excited for the new Constipation movie?

I've heard they're struggling to release it.

you've been sitting on that one for a while haven't you?

A friend of mine has been sacked from being a lollipop man for stealing on the job. I could'nt beleive it at first but when I went to his flat to speak to him the signs where all over the place............

Quote from dadge :

you've been sitting on that one for a while haven't you?

The best engine in the world is the vagina
It takes any size piston, its self lubricating, starts with 1 finger, and every 4 weeks does its own oil change. It's just a pity the management system is so temperamental.

My significant other and I are very fond of blood giving and blood taking, she takes my bag of blood regularly.

The missus came home steaming drunk last night.
"You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink.
"Not really," I replied.
"Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...

As I shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.

Quote from Crashgate3 :

The missus came home steaming drunk last night.
"You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink.
"Not really," I replied.
"Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...

As I shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.

stole for facebook. I know, I should be ashamed. but it's so darn good. lol

Along the same lines...

Many couples have pet names for each other. For example, I call my girlfriend 'Slinky' because I like to throw her down the stairs from time to time.

I went upstairs today to find a man dressed as a woman, unfortunatly this isnt a joke

Sorry, I meant to leave before you got home.

‎2 Liverpool F.C. fans are arguing whose father is the biggest coward,
1st boy says ''my dads so scared, when lightening strikes, he hides under the bed!''
the second boy laughs and replies '' yeah well thats nothing!! my dad is such a wimp,when my mum works nightshift, he sleeps in with my sister!

I saw a fat bird down the pub, her T-shirt said - Watch out, I'm a maneater!

I went up to her and said "Excuse me love, about your T-shirt slogan."

She stopped me and angrily said "Oh let me guess, you want to know how many men I've eaten?! Well I can't help my size you know!"

I said "Actually no, I wasn't going to say that at all."

She looked happier and smiled as she said "Oh yes, what did you want to say then?."

"That's not how you spell Manatee."

So, after a few morgans i said to the misses softly "You remind me of my little toe".

She said "Awww, "is that because I'm small and cute?"

I said "No. because I`ll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk!""

http://uk-mkivs.net/forums/t/450365.aspx

that thread.
lol enough.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a £20 note fell out onto the pavement. Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn ...it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thank......s for telling me officer.." "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me £20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

/Policeman pukes....

My dick hurts...

Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium, Sodium..... BATMAN!

Just tried one of them 007 viagra pills. It makes you roger more.