hahahaah good one
Q: Why do elephants paint their balls red?
A: So you won't see them when they hide in the cherry tree.
Q: What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
A: Giraffes eating cherries.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today." They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' "So that was nice of them."
today." They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' "So that was nice of them."
Wsinda: :chairfall
the next your with your friends,
when they get distracted or you feel like annoying them heres what to do:
say Here.
when they turn around say " is your name here ?? "
gets them everytime.
when they get distracted or you feel like annoying them heres what to do:
say Here.
when they turn around say " is your name here ?? "
gets them everytime.
Deaf and blind chick from some book.
How did the accountant cure his constiaption?
Worked it out with a pencil.
Worked it out with a pencil.
What is a paradox?
Two physicians.
Two physicians.
When a mathematician was asked why his parrot had died, he replied:
"Polynomial. Polygon."
"Polynomial. Polygon."
As this is the "bad" jokes thread, I will share one that my mate told me in class yesterday.
Him: Knock Knock?
Me: Who's there?
Him: Doctor.
Me: Doctor who?
Him: hahahahahaha!
Me: Wait.. whut?
Him: Knock Knock?
Me: Who's there?
Him: Doctor.
Me: Doctor who?
Him: hahahahahaha!
Me: Wait.. whut?
Three women. one engaged, one married and one a mistress are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. They decide that night all three of them will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days, they meet up for lunch to discuss their evenings.
The engaged woman says, "The other night, when my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask he said, 'You are the woman for the rest of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."
The mistress continutes, "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."
The married woman then says, "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home, I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"
After a few days, they meet up for lunch to discuss their evenings.
The engaged woman says, "The other night, when my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask he said, 'You are the woman for the rest of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."
The mistress continutes, "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."
The married woman then says, "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home, I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.'
'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire
life.'
'Where's Gordon Brown's clock?' asked the man.
'Brown's clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.'
'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire
life.'
'Where's Gordon Brown's clock?' asked the man.
'Brown's clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'
Whahhhaha!
Thats a sicky oneLove it!
Whats blue and ****s old ladies , hypothermia.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I rang the Samaritans last night and as per usual, I ended up in a call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was feeling suicidal ..... the bastards got excited and asked if I could fly a plane.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"doctor doctor everytime I look at my self in the mirror with no clothes on, I get a Hard on"
"not surprising you look like a ****"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
lastnight i shagged a girl with brittle bones disease..........what a ****ing little cracker she was.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
john travolta's son has been pronunced dead.......i wonder if it was saturday night seizure.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
just bought my epileptic mate his birthday present, its a strobe light hes going to have a fu*king fit when he see's it
------------------------------------------------------------------------
i saw this book titled "how to cook vegetables" and all i could think was the wheelchair wont taste nice
------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I rang the Samaritans last night and as per usual, I ended up in a call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was feeling suicidal ..... the bastards got excited and asked if I could fly a plane.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"doctor doctor everytime I look at my self in the mirror with no clothes on, I get a Hard on"
"not surprising you look like a ****"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
lastnight i shagged a girl with brittle bones disease..........what a ****ing little cracker she was.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
john travolta's son has been pronunced dead.......i wonder if it was saturday night seizure.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
just bought my epileptic mate his birthday present, its a strobe light hes going to have a fu*king fit when he see's it
------------------------------------------------------------------------
i saw this book titled "how to cook vegetables" and all i could think was the wheelchair wont taste nice
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hahaha
this one i really like
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Long one! Stole from somewhere else (of course).
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
----------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
Anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
----------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
----------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
----------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
Hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on
Celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
----------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
Order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
----------
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
Compliment."
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
----------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.
And then the fight started....
----------
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
And then the fight started.....
----------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
----------
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
Grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
----------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
----------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
----------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
Anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
----------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
----------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
----------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
Hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on
Celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
----------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
Order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
----------
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
Compliment."
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
----------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.
And then the fight started....
----------
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
And then the fight started.....
----------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
----------
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
Grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
----------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
----------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.
Haha
What did God say to the man on the moon?
-----------------
Kneel Armstrong!
-----------------
Kneel Armstrong!
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a huge dick like that."
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a huge dick like that."
this one's quetly long, but....
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been Expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know Babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is Fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and Me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been Expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know Babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is Fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and Me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted
Epic
Unfortunately, that's not a bad joke. Too good for this thread!
Please, quote the whole joke so I can read it twice; but the second time in italics!
The bad jokes thread
(1536 posts, started )
FGED GREDG RDFGDR GSFDG