My sister came up with this. (better spoken - but not much!)

Knock Knock
Who's there?
An interrupting cow
An interr.
MOO!

Quote from J@tko :

My sister came up with this. (better spoken - but not much!)

Knock Knock
Who's there?
An interrupting cow
An interr.
MOO!

Wait now im thinking about Moo.Racing..

Donald Duck uses keyboard and Mickey mouse.

A hillbilly's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, she
dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.

She put his tally-whacker in a vice and then secured it tightly and
removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up hillbilly was terrified, and hollered,
"Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty damn saw,
are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want."

Bit of a regional one...

Girl goes into a hairdressers in Ashington and says "Can you give me a perm?"

"Okay" says the hairdresser.
"I wondad lurnley as a clood..."

Got banned from B&Q this week, rather unfairly in my view.

You see, I walked into B&Q on Thursday and wandered into the garden section, and one of the guys walked up and asked if I wanted 'Decking'

So I threw the first punch before he did.






mmm..... I'll get my coat

Quote from RocksGt :

Donald Duck uses keyboard and Mickey mouse.

LOL

[deleted]

Quote from Luke.S :

skwl.

Now that's a really bad joke.

school*

^ There are some jokes that cross the line. That's one IMO.

Getting back to the right side of the offensive line...

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex."

Now,
Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said, "You must have been quite a kid!"

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said, "Every room in the place is for sex." I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on T.V." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case came up...and I got asked why I was looking for Sex. I told the judge I'd lost my best friend. He put me in a psychiatric ward for a month.

Afterwards, when I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

Quote from DieKolkrabe :

Sex

Such an Italian in Malta ripoff..
http://offspec.heliohost.org/italian.mp3 (291kb)

Hung Chow calls into work and says,
' Hey, I no come work today, I really sick.
I got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no comework.'

The boss says, 'I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great.

I be at work soon........................ You got nice
house.'

Statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang-rape.

A boy comes running into the kitchen and says, "Mommy, mommy! Grandpa
hanged himself in the living room!"
His mother runs into the living room, and sees no one there. Angrily, she
says, "Listen. You should never lie like that to me again, do you
understand!?!"
"I'm sorry," says the boy. "I was just kidding. He hanged himself in the
basement."

Quote :

Redneck Driver's License Application

Last name: ________________

First name (check appropriate box):

[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth-Ann

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________________________
Lover's Name: ____________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom
____ shed

Model of your pickup: _____________ and year: 194__

Do you have a gun rack?

[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap World
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___

Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one Saturday
and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the
engineer says,
"I don't understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses
and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how
fast they could run..."

The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual
variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous
performances and bet on the horses with the
highest probability of winning..."

"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But
before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they
get a glimpse of his
well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something
about horses. They both demanded to know his secret.

"Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the
horses were identical and spherical..."


---
/winnar!

Haha, that last one's great, but I think the physicist and mathematician should have been swapped.

Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


A 13 year old boy came home all happy.
His mom asked, "what did you do at school today hunny?"
"Oh i had sex with my teacher," he said calmly.
The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home.
When the father came home the mother said distroutly and close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!!!!!!"
The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs.
He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him.
The dad said, "son im so proud of u im going to get you that bike you have wanted."
They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied,
"Nah dad my bum is still sore."

I'm now stained for life michael

didms, toughen up princess! lol

There are 3 people shutup shit and manners

there all on a motorbike and shutup is driving and hes speeding he runs over a bump and then shit falls off and manners goes to help him so shutup continues driving not too long later he gets pulled over by a cop the cop asks his name he replies shutup what? shutup? sir whats your name? Shutup? Policeman replies Where are your manners

Down the road picking up shit

VERY LAME

Yo momma is so fat when she goes down to the beach all the whales start singing we are family

thats enough for one day

2 gay guys swim in a pool naked.
then a condom floats to the surface
1 guy says
"Sorry I farted"

Quote from pinoykid13 :

2 gay guys swim in a pool naked.
then a condom floats to the surface
1 guy says
"Sorry I farted"

That's not a joke... That just one of your stories

Quote from sgt.flippy :

That's not a joke... That just one of your stories

ew.........its from some joke book i found

Quote from pinoykid13 :

ew.........its from some joke book i found

If I say it was your diary it would just seem like I'm picking on you eh?

Must be a bad book joke (= I meant bad joke book).. Someone should compile this thread into a book