During their recent divorce case, the judge mentioned that Heather Mills was unstable. Sir Paul McCartney told the court that a beer mat under the left leg usually did the trick.
It's a bit ****ing early for Jade Goody jokes is it not? 
Depends
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
'Is there a problem Officer?'
The policeman says, 'Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?'
The driver responds, 'I'd give it to you but I don't have one.'
'You don't have one?'
The man responds, 'I lost it four times for drink driving.'
The policeman is shocked. 'I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?'
'I'm sorry, I can't do that.'
The policeman says, 'Why not?'
'I stole this car.'
The officer says, 'Stole it?'
The man says, 'Yes, and I killed the owner.'
At this point the officer is getting irate. 'You what?'
'She's in the boot if you want to see.'
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, 'Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!'
The man steps out of his vehicle. 'Is there a problem sir?'
'One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.'
'Murdered the owner?'
The officer responds, 'Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?'
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, 'Is this your car sir?'
The man says 'Yes' and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. 'One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.'
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. 'Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.'
The man replies, 'I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!'
'Is there a problem Officer?'
The policeman says, 'Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?'
The driver responds, 'I'd give it to you but I don't have one.'
'You don't have one?'
The man responds, 'I lost it four times for drink driving.'
The policeman is shocked. 'I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?'
'I'm sorry, I can't do that.'
The policeman says, 'Why not?'
'I stole this car.'
The officer says, 'Stole it?'
The man says, 'Yes, and I killed the owner.'
At this point the officer is getting irate. 'You what?'
'She's in the boot if you want to see.'
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, 'Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!'
The man steps out of his vehicle. 'Is there a problem sir?'
'One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.'
'Murdered the owner?'
The officer responds, 'Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?'
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, 'Is this your car sir?'
The man says 'Yes' and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. 'One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.'
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. 'Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.'
The man replies, 'I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!'
HAHAHAHAH
I already know this joke but it's always fun to remember
"Have a cookie!" 
What is the difference between a Duracell battery and Jade Goody.
Duracell lasts longer, much longer!
Duracell lasts longer, much longer!
A German cowboy walks into a bar and says "AUDI"
Subject: Jobs and redundancy
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
economy, management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as R A P E (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be R A P E D can apply to management to be
considered for the S H A F T scheme (Special Help After Forced
Termination). Persons who have been R A P E D and S H A F T E D will
be reviewed under the S C R E W programme (Scheme Covering
Retired-Early Workers). A person may be R A P E D once, S H A F T E D
twice and S C R E W E D as many times as management deem appropriate.
Persons who have been R A P E D could get A I D S (Additional Income
for Dependants & Spouse) or H E R P E S (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have A I D S or H E R P E S will not be S H A F T E D or S C R E W E D any further by management.
Persons who are not R A P E D and are staying on will receive as much
S H I T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has
always prided itself on the amount of S H I T it gives employees.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough S H I T, please bring
this to the attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give
you all the S H I T you can handle.
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
economy, management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as R A P E (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be R A P E D can apply to management to be
considered for the S H A F T scheme (Special Help After Forced
Termination). Persons who have been R A P E D and S H A F T E D will
be reviewed under the S C R E W programme (Scheme Covering
Retired-Early Workers). A person may be R A P E D once, S H A F T E D
twice and S C R E W E D as many times as management deem appropriate.
Persons who have been R A P E D could get A I D S (Additional Income
for Dependants & Spouse) or H E R P E S (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have A I D S or H E R P E S will not be S H A F T E D or S C R E W E D any further by management.
Persons who are not R A P E D and are staying on will receive as much
S H I T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has
always prided itself on the amount of S H I T it gives employees.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough S H I T, please bring
this to the attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give
you all the S H I T you can handle.
Who the hell is Jade Goody anyway?
burn!
Someone thats famous for no apparent reason in my eyes.
And she's bald. And got cancer. And she is dying.
Famous for being thick and racist, rather like Hitler or the Klu Klux Klan.
Gahd, screw University, if you want to get rich now, just get yourself on TV and act like a complete twat.
Sorry for OT.
Even so, you could show at least the minimum of human compassion maybe??
I'm certainly no fan, and I'd be a hypocrite to claim to be "upset" by her impending death, but that's not to say I think she deserves to die, (which is what your posts could be seen to be implying).
Having said that, I do agree that she is getting far too much media attention and that it should have all stopped at a simple announcement of her illness in the paper, (doesn't justify prime time news coverage IMO).
She doesn't deserve to lose her life, no matter how thick she is. Who says she's racist? Big wow she said one racist comment on a TV show, i'll put money on it that everyone of you has said something racist in your life.
As for comparing Hitler to Jade Goody, lol what a comparison, it's ironic you call her thick then claim she's like Adolf and the KKK.
Regardless of what he done, Adolf Hitler was far from being thick.
As for comparing Hitler to Jade Goody, lol what a comparison, it's ironic you call her thick then claim she's like Adolf and the KKK.
Regardless of what he done, Adolf Hitler was far from being thick.
A lawyer driving home late one night doesnt come to a complete stop at an intersection, and as luck would have it a police officer nearby spots him and pulls him over.
The lawyer pleads with the officer 'I slowed down at the intersection'. The officer says 'Yes sir you did, but according to the law, you are required to come to a full stop'.
The lawyer then exclaims how there wasnt any traffic out on these backroads, in the middle of the night, to which the officer replies 'Yes sir, but according to the law, it doesnt matter if any cars are visible when you come to a full stop at an intersection'
The lawyer is now getting quite aggitated, and starts in ont he officer baout how hes a lawyer, and he knows full well the law. He argues theres no difference between coming to a full stop or slowing down when noone else is around. He tells the officer that its impossible to prove the difference between the two, and challenges the officer to prove otherwise.
The officer agrees, and asks the gentleman to step out of the vehicle. As the lawyer gets out of the car, the officer unfastens his nightclub and begins beating on the man repeatedly. The lawyer, completely confused and struck with pain shouts 'what the hell are you doing?!'
The officer then asks 'Well sir, would you like me to stop? or should I just slow down?'
-----------------------------
You know what the difference is between the ringling bros circus and the Rockettes?
One of them is full of cunning stunts.
The lawyer pleads with the officer 'I slowed down at the intersection'. The officer says 'Yes sir you did, but according to the law, you are required to come to a full stop'.
The lawyer then exclaims how there wasnt any traffic out on these backroads, in the middle of the night, to which the officer replies 'Yes sir, but according to the law, it doesnt matter if any cars are visible when you come to a full stop at an intersection'
The lawyer is now getting quite aggitated, and starts in ont he officer baout how hes a lawyer, and he knows full well the law. He argues theres no difference between coming to a full stop or slowing down when noone else is around. He tells the officer that its impossible to prove the difference between the two, and challenges the officer to prove otherwise.
The officer agrees, and asks the gentleman to step out of the vehicle. As the lawyer gets out of the car, the officer unfastens his nightclub and begins beating on the man repeatedly. The lawyer, completely confused and struck with pain shouts 'what the hell are you doing?!'
The officer then asks 'Well sir, would you like me to stop? or should I just slow down?'
-----------------------------
You know what the difference is between the ringling bros circus and the Rockettes?
One of them is full of cunning stunts.
The problem is that it largely contributed to her being famous, which really isn't good.
Does that include you?
The KKK are thick yes, I did not imply Adolf was. When you compare someone to someone else, you aren't always comparing everything about them, just they have one thing in common, they were famous largely through racist incidents.
What I don't get is why she gets 24/7 news coverage, where the millions of other cancer patients in the world don't She didn't even do anything to become famous, it's not as if it's a world leader who's ill. And she's milking it too, if she wanted to, she could stop the media attention
She didn't even do anything to become famous, it's not as if it's a world leader who's ill. And she's milking it too, if she wanted to, she could stop the media attention Including that poor lady from Eastenders, she only got a 75 word article in the paper, while Jade Goody (although really it should be Jade Tweed) covers the front page every bloody day. And harsh as it may seem, I wouldn't miss her, she's done nothing for my life, not even in the entertainment category.
He has a point...
"Famous for being thick and racist, rather like Hitler or the Klu Klux Klan."
So if I said, Sheila is so damn fat and ugly, rather like Helen. I'm not actually saying that Helen's fat, just ugly?
As for that including me, do you think I would post that if it wasn't?
I could have explained in more detail in said post, but I have more important things to do than derail a Joke thread.
Why this matters so much to you anway, is beyond me.
Stephen Hawking has been admitted to hospital after going out for a date.
He had a broken arm, fractured skull and several cuts and bruises.
Apparently she stood him up.
He had a broken arm, fractured skull and several cuts and bruises.
Apparently she stood him up.
The bad jokes thread
(1536 posts, started )
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