I was in Whitby the other day, I saw a psychic reading booth and wanted ago, unfortunately it was closed due to unforseen circumstances.
An unusual shop...
Two guys in London were sitting down for a break in the store they were fitting out, ready to open the following week. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked "What are you sellin' here?”.
One of the men replied sarcastically
"We're selling arseholes."
Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said
"You are doing well so ... only two left!"
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked "What are you sellin' here?”.
One of the men replied sarcastically
"We're selling arseholes."
Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said
"You are doing well so ... only two left!"
U know timbuck two?
What ever happened to timbuck one?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
U're
U're who?
U're nan
What ever happened to timbuck one?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
U're
U're who?
U're nan
How do you know there's elephants in your house ?
Their Mini is parked outside
Their Mini is parked outside
dunno how?
Triple click his post
How do you get a one armed irishman out of a tree?
wave to him
wave to him
Did ya hear about the Kerrywoman who ironed her shirt?
She burned herself
How do you stop a Mexican from drowning?
Take your foot off his head
She burned herself
How do you stop a Mexican from drowning?
Take your foot off his head
LoL Niall
no no no you got it all wrong
what you have to do is toss him a bottle of beer
Hahahah, brilliant one! That's just like the jokes my dad used to tell
Now don't get me banned for this one, but why does Beyonce sing about 'To the left, to the left' in her song 'Irreplaceable'?
'Because black people have no rights!'
Don't kill me, I heard it in school
yay
Now whats the name of this thread?
:d
What's the easiest way to put a giraffe in a fridge?
By opening the door and putting it in.
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Californians don't screw in light bulbs they screw in hot tubs.
By opening the door and putting it in.
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Californians don't screw in light bulbs they screw in hot tubs.
How to know what was Jakg's last meal?
Check Niall's tongue
Check Niall's tongue
Yummy...mayonaise!
When are you going to finish this joke?
If you are easily offended, Don't read these.
The opinions of these jokes are those of their creators and are not endorsed by MattxMosh or its affiliates.
What did Kermit Say when Jim Henson Died?
nothing.
Why do women have breasts?
So men know who to pay lower salaries.
Whats a deaf, dumb, blind kid get for christmas?
Cancer.
Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?
Because she is dead you idiot.
Have you ever seen Helen Kellers house?
Neither has she
Whats long black and smelly?
An unemployment line.
What do 54,000 abused women have in common?
They don't listen.
The opinions of these jokes are those of their creators and are not endorsed by MattxMosh or its affiliates.
What did Kermit Say when Jim Henson Died?
nothing.
Why do women have breasts?
So men know who to pay lower salaries.
Whats a deaf, dumb, blind kid get for christmas?
Cancer.
Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?
Because she is dead you idiot.
Have you ever seen Helen Kellers house?
Neither has she
Whats long black and smelly?
An unemployment line.
What do 54,000 abused women have in common?
They don't listen.
Why do scots men wear kilts?
Because the sheep can hear a zip from miles away.
two geordies jump off a cliff to see who dies first. who wins?
Society
Because the sheep can hear a zip from miles away.
two geordies jump off a cliff to see who dies first. who wins?
Society
how do the welsh find sheep in long grass?
very pleasurable
What do you call an afghan virgin?
Mever bin laid on
Mever bin laid on
One night, a terrible fire spreads through a convent, sadly killing all the nuns. As you can imagine, before long there is quite a queue outside the gates of heaven. Saint Peter begins working his way through the nuns, cleansing them of sin before they enter. The first nun approaches.
"Now sister, I need to ascertain your level of sin. Have you ever touched a penis?"
"Once, St Peter," replies the first nun, "with my fingertip."
"Then you must dip your finger into this bowl of holy water, and you will be cleansed." And so she does. The second nun approaches.
"Now sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
"Once, St Peter, I held one in my hand"
"Then you must wash your hands in this bowl of holy water, and you will be cleansed."
Suddenly there's a commotion further down the line, and one nun rushes to the front of the line. St. Peter says, " Sister, sister, you will all be seen in time, whatever is the matter?"
The nun replies, "Well if I'm going to have to gargle with that stuff I want to do it before Sister Anne puts her arse in it."
"Now sister, I need to ascertain your level of sin. Have you ever touched a penis?"
"Once, St Peter," replies the first nun, "with my fingertip."
"Then you must dip your finger into this bowl of holy water, and you will be cleansed." And so she does. The second nun approaches.
"Now sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
"Once, St Peter, I held one in my hand"
"Then you must wash your hands in this bowl of holy water, and you will be cleansed."
Suddenly there's a commotion further down the line, and one nun rushes to the front of the line. St. Peter says, " Sister, sister, you will all be seen in time, whatever is the matter?"
The nun replies, "Well if I'm going to have to gargle with that stuff I want to do it before Sister Anne puts her arse in it."
What do you call a chav in a skip?
Init.
What do you say to a chav with a job?
Can I have a BigMac meal please.
What do you get when you cross a radio with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
Init.
What do you say to a chav with a job?
Can I have a BigMac meal please.
What do you get when you cross a radio with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
Osama raped a woman. Upon being questioned by the police, what did the girl tell them?
I've bin Laden
Whats the definition of cruelty?
Putting an Ethiopian in a round room and telling him his food is in the corner.
Putting an Ethiopian in a round room and telling him his food is in the corner.
The bad jokes thread
(1536 posts, started )
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