Quote from sgt.flippy :

Must be a bad book joke (= I meant bad joke book).. Someone should compile this thread into a book

good idea

I'm tall, wide and not dry, what am I?


Answer: Fat man at sunny day

Q: How many bus drivers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't be silly, you cant even get ONE to change a £5 note!!






A Blonde gets a job in an office; as its her first day they tell her that she must get the coffees from the shop over the road.
To simplify matters she grabs a thermos and pops into Starbucks....
"Can you get five cups of coffee in this?" She asks..
"Sure" replies the assistant..

"Good" says the blonde, "I'll have 2 Lattes, an Americano and 2 Cappuccinos please!"

time really fly's when you throw a clock in the air

Quote from LewX :

time really fly's when you throw a clock in the air

....... the majority of jokes in this thread have some form of humor, all i can say is shame on you.
i know this is meant to be the shocking jokes thread, but still.. thats just stupid!

Quote from mickyc30 :

....... the majority of jokes in this thread have some form of humor, all i can say is shame on you.
i know this is meant to be the shocking jokes thread, but still.. thats just stupid!

sorry, i couldn't resist

How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a lightbulb?




Two - one to change the lightbulb, the other drive him up from London.

Quote from mickyc30 :

....... the majority of jokes in this thread have some form of humor, all i can say is shame on you.
i know this is meant to be the shocking jokes thread, but still.. thats just stupid!

It was a 'joke', and there is no doubt that it was TERRIBLE!! in fact, it was the joke that I expect drew the most groans from the audience, so would probably win a bad joke contest!

(so it belongs here!!!!)

What's red and goes up and down ?.................A tomato in a lift

What goes from green to red at the flick of a switch ?.................A frog in a liquidiser

What's woolly and fits ?.................An epileptic sheep

17 blonds were waiting outside a nighclub, some guy asks:''why are you standing there?'' the blonds say ''need to be 18 to get in''. im not sure how this joke fits into english but in finnish someone might think its a good joke so i said it in english
17 blondia ootti yökerhon ulkopuolella, mies kysyy:''mitä te siinä seisoskelette?'' blondit vastaavat:''täytyy olla kahdeksantoista että pääsee sisään''

Works in English too.

Paddy and Murphy, two unemployed Irishmen are reading through the paper looking for jobs when they spot an advert saying 'Tree Fellers Wanted'

'Oh, what a shame,' says Murphy, 'we're one too short.'

Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?

BECAUSE HE RAN OUT OF JUICE

Quote from AMB :

Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?

BECAUSE HE RAN OUT OF JUICE

ahem...already been taken...

Quote from Scatter :

Well, the joke was so good that it failed in this bad joke thread so its a bad joke. I'll just give a crappy one then.

Why did the orange stop?

Because it ran out of juice.

Two tomatoes in the freezer:

- Hey dude! What's up!
- Damn it! A speaking tomatoe! :faint2:

it's green and says:
i'm a frog : a talking frog
what's a smart blondy: a golden retriever
why do women scratch their heads in the morning: because they don't have nuts

yo mama is so ugly, people break into their house to close the curtains!
2 arab guys in a car, who's driving? : the police

Quote from Crashgate3 :

Paddy and Murphy, two unemployed Irishmen are reading through the paper looking for jobs when they spot an advert saying 'Tree Fellers Wanted'

'Oh, what a shame,' says Murphy, 'we're one too short.'

ROFL! Good one

how comes a 14 year old isralian girl is still a virgin.
because she outran her dad

my dad told me that 1, he really did

why doesnt a lobster share?: because it's s(h)ellfish

a man goes to the doctor because his arm hurts.
the doctor says, well i found something new at the supermarket, its a machine, just put some seliva(u kno, ur spit) in the machine and it gives u a direct diagnose.
so the mans goes to the supermarket and finds the machine. after putting some spit in, the machine tells him he has a tenis ellbow.
the man now knows what he has, and suddently has an idea, when home he collects some dna from his wife, son daughter and sperm from himself
he heads back to the machine:
the machine says: your daughter is pregnant, your son is gay, your wife is cheating on u, and if u keep jerking off u'll never get rid ofthat tennis ellbow

i don't swear, i don't drink, and i don't smoke

****, it's the second time i dropped my smoke in my beer

lame i kno
whats the difference between a wife and a gf: 50lbs
whats the difference between a dog and a husband: after a year, the dog is still excited to see u

sorry for swearing

What's brown and sticky?






A Stick.

Quote from Crashgate3 :

What's brown and sticky?






A Stick.

Cinnamon

Quote from Crashgate3 :

What's brown and sticky?






A Stick.

I love the smell of roasted peas in the morning

Alright then, what's brown and horny?













A bull.

What did one tomato say to the other?
Catch up.


Where do cows go on Friday nights?
To the moovies.

Ask me if I have a banana in my ear.
Do you have a banana in your ear?
I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

Ok, heres one not all of you will find funny...

The Ku Klux Klan Environmental Program - Lets Keep The Artic White.

Quote from Crashgate3 :

Alright then, what's brown and horny?

Michael Jackson with a 9 year old, or is he white?