I agree with all of that becky, and you are right, i just seem ever so good at, well, f--king things up really, i think i am being a bit selfish TBH, but i realise this isn't a fair way to behave....
I know, that in my heart of hearts i do not wish to be with kirsty anymore, its run its course in all honesty, we broke up before, tried to save it when we got back together, things changed, we went different places, plus i no longer live with her (living in eachothers pockets was what ruined it before, lack of freedom) but even with all these changes i feel the same again now, as much as i love the girl, which i DO! i just cant see a future there for us anymore, and i really hate saying that because i wish so much that is wasnt true, but it is.
But then theres the guilt thing, i feel really bad for making her upset, plus (heres the selfish part) because i am so used to us being together as its been quite a while, 5 years as you say, i cant really do anything without it feeling abnormal, so then i think well why dont i just get back with her despite the feelings (that will undoubtadly resurface and this will happen again), i feel bad, and i miss her, so i talk myself into, yeah, get back together.
But, what do i actually miss, is it kirsty, or is it just, someone, anyone, because i am so used to having a partner, not having one doesnt feel right?
I know in my heart of hearts it can never work now, but i also feel scared of being on my own, which is (partly) why we got back together last time, and that isnt right, is it.